


Drunk Me

by Riverspirit86



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo goes through a lot of shit, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben is a dumpster fire trash wreck, Ben is dealing with a lot, Borderline Personality Disorder, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Depression, Ex Sex, F/M, Kissing, Making Out, Oral Sex, Post-Break Up, Pregnancy, Relapsing, Sex, Smut, Therapy, Unplanned Pregnancy, birth control failed, but damn, it is gonna hurt like fuck until that happy ending, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-01-25 17:50:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18579532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riverspirit86/pseuds/Riverspirit86
Summary: Ben Solo has become a mess after Rey broke up with him three months ago. He just can't seem to get over her. He's become an alcoholic and is spiraling downward to his demise. Will he be able to survive without her? Will he be able to change for the better for himself? Or will he continue on this broken path to his end?This is a very angsty piece and will touch on a lot of hard topics, like alcoholism, depression and other mental illnesses, post break-ups, death, and relapsing. But I swear, it will have a happy ending.Somewhat inspired by the song Drunk Me by Mitchell Tenpenny





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this is a very painful fic, and will touch on a lot of difficult topics. I am not a mental health professional, but I myself have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, so I am using a lot of my own personal experiences and tailoring them to fit this fic and Ben Solo. I know one of the criteria for being diagnosed with bpd is self-harm and/or suicidal thoughts/actions, which I have dealt with, but it will not happen in this fic. I don't want to accidentally trigger anyone by writing about self-harm or suicide (which I have written about in the past).
> 
> Anyways, please trust me when I say this will have a happy ending. I just like torturing my babies before they get that happy ending.
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

Ben was drinking again. Was it the smartest decision? Probably not, because he would inevitably text or call Rey. He just couldn't stay away from her when he drank. Even though she broke up with him three months ago, and had moved on with her life, Ben couldn't forget about her. He still loved her, oh so dearly. They had been together for three years, and Ben had made plans to propose to her a couple months after she broke his heart. Today, actually. Today would have been four years together, and Ben had wanted to take Rey to her favorite restaurant and propose on a walk by her favorite fountain in the park by their apartment, where they first kissed. Ben had planned the whole night out, and Rey had shattered those dreams with only five words: "I don't love you anymore."    
  
Ben took another swig of the whiskey, feeling the fire burn down his throat. The bottle was almost empty, soon to be just like the bottle from two nights ago. Was Ben an alcoholic? Only since Rey left. He drank occasionally when they were together, though he mainly drank the "girly" drinks because they tasted the best. He drank whiskey when he wanted it to hurt. And that's all he drank nowadays. He wanted it, no, needed it to hurt. He had pushed Rey away and it was all his fault. Ben drained the last of the whiskey, setting the bottle a little too hard on the floor beside him. Sighing, Ben laid his head in his hands, feeling the hot tears start to fall. He tried to hide his phone before he started drinking, so it would give him more time to think and rationalize whether texting Rey was a good idea or not. It never was a good idea, but Ben didn't care. He loved her. But she didn't love him. The problem with trying to hide his phone was that the alcohol didn't dull his short term memory, just the pain her absence left, but even that held little relief.   
  
He pushed himself off the kitchen floor, swaying when he was standing. He was probably killing his liver, but Ben couldn't bring himself to care. Hell, he'd probably end up dead before the cirrhosis could kill him. The kitchen swam before him, but only a little. His body had gotten used to drinking a whole bottle of whiskey in a day. The first time he drained a bottle, he couldn't get off the bathroom floor. Now? He could walk, albeit stumbling a little, talk with minimal slurring, and function in general with little hindrance. Which wasn't good for texting Rey. His first texts had been a jumbled mess, but as he got used to drinking so much, he could sound coherent. Though Rey always knew he was drinking when he texted or called her. She had always been too damn perceptive. Ben left her alone in general, but when he drank, all the memories of the good times they shared came back and he just couldn't stop himself from trying to get her back. In the back of his mind, he knew this was just pushing her further and further away, but drunk him didn't give a shit. Drunk him just wanted Rey back.   
  
Ben grabbed his phone from where it was hidden in the back of the junk drawer and opened up his messages to Rey. The screen showed countless messages from him and very few texts from her. Rey didn't usually respond, choosing to just ignore his texts and let his calls go to voicemail. Ben didn't know if she even listened to the voicemails or if she just deleted them as soon as they came in. But tonight, that changed.   
  
**"Rey, I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, but I'll do anything to change your mind. Please, talk to me, my Rey of Sunshine"**   
  
Ben hit send before he could tell himself not to. He used his nickname for her in hopes she would reply and tell him those three magic words he oh so craved to hear in her sweet voice. He silently prayed to a God he didn't believe in.  _ 'Please God or whatever is out there, please let her take me back. I need her.' _   
  
His phone vibrated in his hand, then vibrated again. Ben looked down at his phone in shock, seeing the picture of them smiling and laughing on the screen.  _ 'She's calling me? _ ' he thought, before slowly accepting the call and raising the phone to his ear. He let out a shaky hello, terrified of what she might say.   
  
"Benjamin Organa Solo, get your shit together." Her voice washed over him, surrounding and filling him with happiness despite her very pissed off tone. He didn’t care she was furious. She had called him. She was talking to him. He had a chance.

“Rey. I-” Ben began, before Rey cut him off.

“No, Ben. I’m talking here. You need to just stay quiet and listen.” Rey’s voice softened slightly, but it still held a vicious sharp edge to her words. When Ben stayed silent after she spoke, she sighed and continued talking.

“Ben. You say you don’t know what you did, but I told you plenty of times before I left. I read all the books on how to deal with your illnesses. I tried to convince you to see a therapist or take medication. But you said you could handle it yourself. You were too damn hard headed to listen to me. So I had to leave. I couldn’t take being your goddess one minute then your verbal punching bag the next.” The harsh tone of her voice had turned into something along the lines of emotional nothingness, completely resigned and tired of everything. It left a bitter taste in Ben’s mouth as a tear slipped down his cheek.

“This could have been different, Ben. It didn’t have to be like this. But you left me with no choice. You just wouldn’t accept that you needed help. And I couldn’t help you forever. I was tired. Your depression was wearing on me, dragging me down with you. Your borderline personality was like being on an emotional rollercoaster ride, one that I couldn’t get off unless I took off the safety harness and jumped. Ben, I did love you. I loved you so much. I thought I would marry you one day. But that side of me is gone. Nothing short of a miracle would bring me back to you.” Her voice hitched slightly in her last sentence, but she quickly composed herself again. 

“Look, Ben. You have to stop messaging and calling me. Doing that is just hurting both of us. Please. Stop drinking so much. Get some help. Maybe then, maybe years down the road, after you’ve done some very hard work to get yourself healthy, maybe we could be in each other’s lives again. But right now, we can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry, Ben. But it has to be this way. Please understand this is the best for both of us.” Ben heard her voice get thick and realized she was tearing up or crying. That realization caused his own tears to start falling faster. He knew he had hurt her badly during their relationship, and he hadn’t listened to her when she had pushed him to see a professional for his issues, but he never realized how hard of a decision she had to make when she left him. Maybe she loved him enough to say goodbye? Ben cleared his throat, opening his mouth to say something, but found no words came to his mind. 

“Ben, I’m sorry. But this is for the best. Goodbye.”

“Rey wait!” Ben held his breath, waiting for the call to end, for her to walk out of his life a second time. But the call didn’t end. She was still there, on the other line, sniffing quietly, trying to hide the fact that she was crying.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I should have listened to you and gotten help. I should have read the books you showed me. I should have done so much more and I didn’t. I’m sorry. I know nothing will ever be the same between us, but I promise, I swear, I will get healthy. I’ll stop drinking, I’ll see a therapist, I’ll take meds. Hell, I’ll do anything to show you I’ve changed. I know you probably won’t change your mind, and we’ll just be ex’s for the rest of our lives, but if there is even the slightest sliver of a chance you’ll take me back, I swear, I will do everything to win you back.” 

Again, Ben waited for the call to end, for her to take his promise and leave, but she stayed on the phone. He heard her sigh, a deep one, one filled with years of sorrow, pain, and frustration. But she didn’t hang up. He still had a chance.

“Ben, if you’re going to change for me, don’t. Changing for someone else isn’t true change. You have to want to change for yourself. You have to want to get healthy for yourself. You have to want it so deep in your soul that your whole lifestyle changes. You can’t change for someone else. Doing that will see you falling back into the same bad habits. Ben, I can’t change you. Only you can change you. And you have to want it for yourself. Do you understand this?”

Ben nodded before he realized she couldn’t see him. Voice cracking slightly, he responded, “Yes, I understand. It hurts, but I understand.”

“Good. I wish you the best on your journey, whether that is a change for the better or a slow descent into self-destruction. Goodbye, Ben.”

The call ended.

The hand that held the phone to his ear fell to his lap, Rey’s contact picture, taken on their two year anniversary shone up at him, the only light in his dark kitchen. When had night fallen? How long had he been drinking? Ben looked from the phone in his right hand to the empty bottle of whiskey in his left. The sadness that consumed him slowly bubbled into something else. His tears stopped falling. His heart stopped hurting. The depression that had taken control of his life so completely simmered into an unbridled rage. With a yell, Ben threw the empty bottle against the wall, watching it shatter with angry eyes. He knew he would have to clean it up, but he didn’t care. He could leave that for the morning. Hell, if he stepped in it in the morning, maybe it would remind him of his failures as a human and as a partner.

Maybe he would get help. Maybe he wouldn’t. All he knew now is that he wanted another drink.

* * *

Ben woke with a groan, pain pounding in his head. Sitting up, he looked around, taking note of everything around him. He had apparently fallen asleep on the kitchen floor, which would explain why his back was killing him. He saw the shattered remains of a whiskey bottle on the floor across the room from him, and a half empty one by his left side. His phone blinked with the red, low battery icon on the screen, so Ben stood up, stumbling slightly, and went to his charger. Plugging his phone in, he waited for it to get enough power to turn on. He couldn’t remember what happened last night, but he knew it must have been bad, considering there was one broken bottle and one half empty. He hoped he hadn’t texted Rey, but since his phone was with him and almost dead, he doubted he had had the strength to stay away from her.

When his phone finally turned on, Ben immediately went to his messages. He groaned when the text he sent to Rey last night popped up. He hated what drinking did to him, especially in the messaging Rey department, but it helped numb the pain of her absence a little bit. So he continued drinking. Exiting his messaging app, he mindlessly scrolled through the apps on his phone, wanting a distraction from his stupidity. When he went to close all his apps, his finger slipped and accidentally tapped on the call button. His eyes widened when he saw the call history.

**Yesterday**

**Incoming call: Rey 11:57 PM**

Ben hesitantly clicked on the call, looking at the details of it. They had spoken for eleven minutes and fifty-three seconds. Ben thought desperately, trying to remember what they had spoken about. He pulled up Rey’s contact, looking at the picture of them smiling. They hadn’t know they wouldn’t be together just under two years later. They hadn’t known all the pain, trials, and tribulations they would go through. A single tear slipped down his face, splashing onto his phone’s screen, distorting their happy faces.  _ ‘So symbolic.’ _ Ben thought sarcastically. He turned the screen off before he wiped away his tear, not wanting to accidentally call or text Rey. 

Sighing, Ben put his phone down to charge, and headed over to the coat closet for the broom. He needed to clean up the glass, despite him not having any energy to do so, because he would prefer to not have glass stuck in his bare foot. He felt like doing nothing all day. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. Hangover pounding in his head, he swept up the glass, struggling to remember the conversation he had with Rey last night. It had to have been something about his drinking, or his text, because when he was sober, he knew what he had done to push Rey away. Drunk him didn’t know, or didn’t care, about why she left. Drunk him just knew he was hurting and she was the cause and the remedy. 

After dumping the glass into the kitchen trash can, Ben slumped onto the couch, eyes shutting against the bright light filtering in through the blinds on the window. He needed to remember what they talked about. It had to have been important because it was Rey who called him, not the usual routine of him calling her when he was drunk. Ben wracked his brain for the memory, but it was elusive and slippery, tantalizing him then dancing out of his reach. Groaning, he massaged his aching head. He knew he was still in yesterday’s clothes, so he would have to change some point soon, but at the present moment, he was just trying to recall why Rey called him and what they talked about. Nothing came to mind. Ben sighed, sitting up slowly when his head began to swirl. Maybe if he did something, their conversation might come back to him. So he stood up, holding onto the couch as the world swayed around him.

“Might as well take a shower and change out of these clothes,” Ben spoke out loud to the empty apartment. No life was in there except for him. Rey had taken their fat, orange tabby cat with her when she left. Ben was fine with that. BeeBee had always preferred her to him. Thinking of Rey while sober or fairly sober hurt like a bitch. Ben shook his head, trying to dispel her memory, but his world spun around him again, so he sunk back down onto the couch, trying to ease his whirling mind.

“Dammit. You’re stronger than this. Just get up and change.”

The memory came flooding back with his last word spoken out loud.

Ben gasped and his eyes filled with tears immediately, remorse and sadness consuming him completely. Rey had called and lectured him, said he needed to change for himself, not her. And then she left, for a second time. His tears fell when he realized he shouldn’t message her again, especially when drunk. He just hoped drunk him would be strong enough to not reach out to her when he was hurting so badly. He looked over at the corner of the living room, where a single cardboard box sat, covered with a thin layer of dust. That was his only remaining tie to Rey now. 

He hadn’t touched that box since the day after she left. After she left, he had gotten drunk for the first time. He had never been drunk ever before she left, even when they were drinking together. But that first drunken night was the first time he called her. He asked why she left that box, he begged and pleaded for her to come back, and he had at cursed her when she refused. Since then, he had just ignored the box, letting it just sit there and collect dust. It was just too painful for him to acknowledge it was the last physical memory of her. But today, he would open it, for the first time, and see what she left him. He didn’t know what he would find, since he thought she had taken everything she wanted. She had left the promise ring he gave her on their second anniversary on the kitchen counter with a note for him to find when he came home from work. When he saw the note, he didn’t even stop to read it. He had raced upstairs, searching for any sign of her, since she always got home before him. But there were none. She was gone. When he came back down the stairs, he read her note and saw the box in the corner. Ben could still remember every word of the note that broke his heart.

**Ben,**

**I’m sorry I’m doing it this way, but I have no choice. I’m too scared to do it in person. Maybe that makes me a coward, but I don’t want to see the pain on your face and think to myself that I’m making the wrong decision. This is the right decision, the right path, for both of us. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I don’t love you anymore.**

**Goodbye, Ben.**

**\- Rey**

The promise ring, a simple, dainty little thing, was just too painful of a memory of how things once were. Ben had buried it underneath the lilac bush in the front of their apartment, right next to their porch. That had always been Rey’s favorite place, to sit next to the flowers and smell their sweet fragrance while she read one of her countless books. Now, whenever a blossom dared make an appearance, Ben cut it off, throwing it away, not wanting their smell to trigger another memory and drinking spell.

Shaking his head, trying to ignore the memory of her leaving, Ben stood up and got a pair of scissors from the junk drawer in the kitchen, and slowly made his way over to the box. He approached it like it was a wild animal about to attack him, so scared of what he might find. He was still hungover from last night, and he didn’t want to be weak and spend his Saturday drinking to forget. Slowly cutting open the tape, Ben tried to think of what might be in the box. She had taken all of her books, all of her clothes, everything that belonged to her. And the cat. He couldn’t forget she took the cat. It was probably best that she took BeeBee, thought, because lord knows he was barely taking care of himself, so he would definitely be unable to care for another living thing. Hell, Rey had taken all but one of her plants. She had had a thing for succulents, and Ben had already killed the one she left. Do you know how bad of a caretaker you have to be to kill a succulent?

The tape holding the box shut was cut, and Ben opened one of the top flaps carefully, peering inside. What he saw brought tears to his eyes immediately. It was almost fate he was opening it the day after Rey told him he needed to change for himself, because inside were all of the books she had read, or wanted to read, about his depression and borderline personality disorder. There were so many of them. Ben didn’t know how that many books could have been written about those two disorders, but apparently, it was enough to fill a decent sized box. He pulled the top one out, reading the title out loud.

“I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.” The words resonated in Ben’s head, making a couple of the puzzle pieces click into place. He hadn’t been officially diagnosed with either of the disorders Rey believed he had, but he trusted her. Well, he trusted her now. He had vehemently denied having anything wrong with him when they were together. But in the months since she left, he had come to realize she might have been right.

He set the first book aside, reaching into the box again. He pulled out another book on borderline, reading the title again, “Stop Walking On Eggshells Second Edition.” Another puzzle piece fell into place. The next book was one on depression. “When Someone You Love is Depressed.” He was finally realizing how much Rey had tried to help him, yet every time she attempted, he had shunned her, completely ignorant to the struggles he was going through, and what he was putting her through.

The puzzle pieces in his mind kept falling into place.

Ignoring the rest of the books, he opened up the second one he had pulled out, as it was the most worn and well read of them all. He flipped through it, taking note of how many different colors of pen lined the pages. Turning back to the beginning, he found a key for the colors.

**Blue: December 2015**

**Green: June 2016**

**Purple: October 2016**

**Pink: August 2017**

**Orange: January 2018**

**Red: November 2018**

**Black: January 20th, 2019**

The last date was three days before she broke up with him. Alongside the date was a message, a note to Rey from herself. Ben traced the familiar handwriting with the faintest touch, as if afraid to smudge the ink that was three months old. He noticed her normally prim and proper handwriting was shaky and uneven, and his eyes flitted across the message, taking note of where the pen bled from her tears.

**I can’t do this anymore. It’ll be four years together in April. I’ve known about this and his depression since September 2015. It’s been almost three and a half years. He just won’t accept help, from me or anyone. I’ve tried to be strong, but I’m faltering. I need to protect myself. I wish he would change. If he did, maybe we could still be together. But I need to escape. I love him so much, but I’m not strong enough anymore. Ben, I don’t know if you’ll ever read this. I hope you do, because that means you’re taking the first steps to getting better. If you get help, if you get better, we might have a chance. I love you. I always will. But you need the kickstart to get your ass in gear. That’s why I lied in my note to you with my ring. I will always love you.**

**\- Rey**

Her last sentence and name were stained with old tears, the paper wrinkled and warped, as if she broke down right at the very end. Shortly, her words bled again as Ben’s fresh tears slipped down his cheeks onto the page. She still loved him? She did this for him? To make him get help? She put herself through just as much pain, if not more, to leave him for his own good?

“Oh God, Rey,” Ben set the book down, closing the cover on her note, protecting her precious words from his heart-wrenching sobs. He couldn’t believe this. There was no way. She hated him. He had messed everything up. She had just left him a second time. She didn’t want to be contacted, she wanted to be left alone. She couldn’t do it anymore. Ben reached for his phone, discarded on the floor beside him. His finger hovered over Rey’s contact, desperately wanting to call her, to text her, to confess he’s going to change for him, not for her. But he scrolled up, and pressed another contact, one he hadn’t spoken with in about a year.

The phone rang. And rang. And rang. On the fourth ring, a tired, yet hopeful, woman’s voice answered.

“Ben?”

He swallowed down a hiccuped sob at the familiar voice. It was the voice who had chased away so many imaginary nightmare monsters in the past. Maybe it could help him chase away these monsters, the ones that lived in himself.

“Mom?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm now around 13.4K words in my google doc, so I'm moving the chapter total from 3 to 4. Maybe it will be longer; I don't know yet. But my goal is finish writing it by the end of the weekend. Because I'm at 13.4K and barely at the middle of the story, it might be a 20K+ story, so thank you for sticking with me while I write this!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Ben drove to the next town over, about a forty-five minute drive, both dreading his arrival at his childhood home and hopeful for help. Pulling into the long gravel driveway, he dove past the treehouse he spent so much time in, now a dilapidated mess of wood and rope. He slowed his car, barely inching along the closer he got to the house, already regretting his decision to come over. He could just turn around, go back home and drink himself unconscious again. He could sabotage his relationship with Rey, call her and tell her he found her note. Granted, that would be while he was drinking, because sober him would never call her. And him calling her about the note while drinking would just push her away more. It’s what he deserved. He deserved to hurt. He deserved to be alone. He didn’t deserve to be happy.

No. He couldn’t think like that anymore. Rey still loved him. He had a chance. He just had to get better, for him. Not for her. And the first step towards getting better was asking for help from the people who raised him, who loved him despite however many hateful words spewed from his lips. Who loved him despite how he had left, with screams and slamming doors. Who still tried to reach out to him no matter how many times he rejected them. He needed help. And who better to help him than his own mother and father.

He pulled up in between their two cars, looking at his mother’s new, shining red Toyota and his father’s old, silver Chevy. The Falcon, his father had dubbed it, back in the day. Ben learned to drive in that beat up bucket of bolts, which lurched every time you accelerated in it. His dad could definitely do better. They had the money. But his dad always said it was the “sentimental value” of the car that made him hold onto it for so long.

Ben sighed, taking a deep breath, and got out of his car. The gravel crunched underneath his feet as he made his way to the sidewalk that lead to the front door. He stopped on the first step up to the door, taking another deep breath. He was really doing this. He was going to see his mother and father for the first time since shortly after he started dating Rey, and speak with them for the first time in over a year. Rubbing his temple, trying to stave off the hangover headache that threatened to return, Ben walked up the two steps, looking at the forest green door. He tentatively raised his hand to knock at the door, then withdrew it. It wasn’t too late to turn back. It wasn’t too late to forget this endeavor and return to his empty home. But the door opened before he could turn around and leave, and the small silhouette of his mother stood in the doorway, looking hopeful yet careful at him.

“Ben.” Her voice was soft, barely more than a whisper fluttering away on the wind, but he heard her. He gazed down at his mother, taking note of how much more gray her hair was, how many more laugh lines creased from her eyes, how much she had changed. Tears started to prick at his eyes, and he tried to blink them away, but one traitorous tear slipped down his face, a matching one falling down his mother’s cheek. She hesitantly opened her her arms for a hug, but didn’t make any move to approach him, giving him the option to reject her hug. But Ben needed to be a small child again, one who scraped his knee and needed his mommy to kiss it and make it better. Only this pain wasn’t a visible one. Yet he still needed her help.

“Mom.” He took one step and all but collapsed in her arms, openly weeping, unafraid to show his weakness to his mother. Her arms came up around him, holding him close, much like she did when he was younger. “Mom, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it’s been so long. I’m sorry for how I left. I’m sorry for not calling. I’m sorry for everything.” His words were broken up by his sobs, but he knew she heard every word when she started rubbing his back comfortingly and shushing him gently.

“Ben, let bygones be bygones. I’m just glad you’re here now. Come inside now. It’s still a little chilly for April, and it looks like it’s going to rain.” She ushered him in, slowly closing the door behind them. They stood together in the entryway, unsure of how to proceed. She looked up at Ben, a faint smile behind her watery eyes, before looking at his shoes and motioning for him to take them off. He immediately stepped out of his shoes as his mother did the same, then followed her into the living room.

“Can I get you anything to drink, Ben?”

He was half tempted to ask for a whiskey on the rocks, or even a glass of wine, but he knew they didn’t have any alcohol in the house. His father, Han, had completed Alcoholics Anonymous, which took a lot of work, as he drank all through Ben’s childhood and adolescence.  But he succeeded. He was no longer addicted to the bottle, like Ben was now. But Ben stopped himself from asking a fruitless request.

“Just a water, please. Thanks, Mom.”

When his mother, Leia, returned with three waters, Ben looked at her confused. She didn’t say anything, instead quietly getting coasters for the waters and setting them on the coffee table, before sitting down in a chair diagonal from where Ben was sitting on the couch. Ben opened his mouth to speak, to question the third water, when his mother beat him to it.

“It might be rough, but I wanted your father here. I know you might not like that, but please, Ben, trust me.” Leia looked at him pleadingly, silently begging him not to leave in a rage. But all of Ben’s anger had evaporated the moment she spoke his name on the phone when he had called an hour ago. He trusted her, no, he trusted both of them, to help him. He didn’t like asking for help, but he knew he needed it now, especially if he was to ever win Rey back.

“That’s fine. I wanted to talk with him anyways.” Leia looked surprised at his words, knowing just how turbulent his relationship with his father was. But Ben knew he needed his father’s advice. He knew he needed to get into Alcoholics Anonymous. He knew he needed help. And the only one who could begin to understand his craving for the bottle was his father, who had just come down the stairs and walked into the living room.

Ben stood up and faced his father, looking eye to eye with him. His father’s cautious gaze stared back at him, unsure, just as his mother was, about why he had suddenly wanted back into their lives. Han reached out his hand to Ben, offering a peace handshake, to let the past be the past. But Ben ignored the the outstretched hand, instead choosing to draw his father into a tight hug, his tears springing back into his eyes. Han patted Ben’s back gently and as comforting as he could. He had never been one to show affection to Ben, choosing to call Ben “kid” for the majority of Ben’s life. He didn’t say “I love you” like his wife did, or give out hugs very easily. But Ben realized Han knew he needed the support today.

Pulling away, Ben wiped the budding tears from his eyes, sniffing lightly. Han cleared his throat awkwardly, sitting down in the other armchair and reached for his glass of water. He took a small sip while Ben sat back down on the couch, looking between his mother and his father. Knowing there was no reason to hold back anything, Ben started talking.

“I know you only met Rey once, but she was the most important person in my life for the last four years. I loved her, so much. But she -” he choked on his words, blinking back the tears, “She left me. In January. Since then, I’ve struggled, badly. I’ve become an alcoholic. I drink a whole bottle of whiskey at least four or five days a week. I call or text her when I’m drunk, which I know is only making things worse between us. At least, I know that when I’m sober. When I’m drunk, I don’t care about anything. She left me by leaving me a note with her promise ring, saying she didn’t love me anymore. I was going to propose to her, today, as today would have been four years together. In her note, she said she couldn’t do it anymore. And I know what pushed her away. Mom, Dad, Rey did a lot of research, and she believes I have both depression and borderline personality disorder. So I’m here, asking for help. Because I found another note, one mainly written to herself, but she addressed me in it, in one of her many books about borderline.” Ben stood up and pulled the weathered and worn book from his jacket pocket, opening the cover to show the tear stained letter. He handed the book to his mother, and she read the note quickly, before passing it over to his father.

“So you see, I need help. And I don’t know where to start. You guys have always cared for me, no matter how badly I pushed you away, so I wanted your opinions and help. Do you think you can help me?” His last sentence came out sounding afraid, as if he was scared they would kick him to the curb and say “get lost.”

Leia opened her mouth to speak, but Han motioned for her to be quiet for a moment. He stood up from his seat and walked over to Ben, sitting down next to him. Ben sat nervously, waiting for his father to speak. Silence hung over them, waiting for Han to say something, anything. Before he spoke, Han placed a gentle, yet firm, hand on Ben’s shoulder, grounding him in the moment. 

“Kid, you need to get into AA. You haven’t been drinking for as long as I drank, but you are self-medicating with alcohol in a very unhealthy way.” His gruff voice held honesty in every word. “The first step to getting healthy, to getting better, is accepting you need help and asking for it, like you are doing now. So you’re already on the right track. I know you don’t necessarily believe in God, and AA is somewhat religious, but right now, it’s what you need. You need a community that supports you and supports your goals in life. And you need a sponsor.”

Ben looked up at his father, a single tear slipping down his cheek. Could he do all of this? This was just for his drinking problem, not for his mental disorders. So he would have so much more work to do to help change his brain for the better. Was he being selfish for wanting to change so Rey would come back? Was he not truly wanting to change? 

“I can see the wheels spinning out of control in your mind, Kid. I promise you, this is the right choice. This will help you get better. And I want to have a direct hand in you getting better. I know I wasn’t the perfect father, especially because of my drinking. So I can at least be a good dad now and help you stop your own drinking. Ben,” Han paused, as if both choosing his words carefully and watching to see Ben’s reaction. “Ben, I want to be your sponsor. But that is only if you are dead set on changing your life. If you’re just doing this to please Rey, you will succeed for a little bit, but then you will fail. Unless you change your life for yourself, you will fail every time.”

Ben froze as Han’s words triggered the conversation between him and Rey last night. Was he ready to change for himself? For no one's benefit besides his own? To change his own life? His face hardened, and Han frowned, looking down with a sad look in his eyes, thinking Ben was rejecting his offer.

“Han, er, Dad? I’m ready to change. For me. Rey coming back will be a happy fortune, but I am not expecting her to. I’ve hurt her so much over the years we spent together. I need to change now, otherwise, I’ll end up dead in the next couple of years. I . . .” His words caught in his throat. “I want a future. With Rey would be preferred, but I just want a future in general. And if I continue down this dark path, I won’t have one.”

Leia got up and sat down on the other side of Ben on the couch, putting a comforting arm around his shoulders. “We will support you. We will help you. Thank you, Ben, for trusting us enough to let us in and to let us help you.” She squeezed his shoulder gently, reassuring him that he made the right decision.

Tears sprung to his eyes again. How did he get so lucky in having such caring parents? He had taken them for granted, pushed them away, keeping them at an arm's length because he didn’t trust them not to hurt him. Yeah, growing up hadn’t been perfect, with his dad’s drinking and his mother’s busy work schedule, but the overwhelming atmosphere of love still permeated their house. Yet, he couldn’t see it, not when he was younger. All he saw was the disfunction and discord in the family. It’s why he latched onto Rey when she came into his life and why he basically disowned his parents when he found her. He thought she would save him, save him from the turmoil that had consumed him since he was young, because he didn’t realize his parents were trying to save him as well. 

“Mom, Dad, thank you. I will do everything I need to in order to get healthy.”

Han let out a small, gruff chuckle, messing up Ben’s long, black hair. “First things first. Let’s look up some AA groups in this area, and we can go to the first one together, just to help get you started. You said Rey thought you had depression and borderline personality disorder? Maybe Leia can start looking up therapists to help in that area as well.”

Leia nodded, squeezing Ben’s shoulder one last time before letting go and standing up. “I’ll get started on that in the morning. I’ll get a good list going, then I’ll let you make the decision about who to go with. But right now, I’m getting hungry. Han, Ben, do you want to order pizza?” Ben’s stomach growled in response, and he realized he hadn’t eaten since before he got drunk last night. “I’ll take that as a yes. I’ll let you boys start finding AA groups and I’ll get the order placed.” She whisked off to the kitchen, leaving Ben and Han alone.

They sat in awkward silence for a moment, listening to Leia ordering the pizza in the kitchen, before Han cleared his throat and pulled out his phone. Scrolling through his contacts, he selected one and raised the phone to his ear. Ben opened his mouth to question his father’s actions, but Han hushed him quietly.

“Cassian? Yeah, it’s me. Hey, when is the next meeting and where? I want to bring someone and sponsor them. Yeah? Uh-huh. Okay, thanks. Bye.”

“Wait, Mr. Andor? My high school history teacher?” Ben questioned, knowing that first name was a very uncommon and unusual one, so he only knew one person with it.

“That’s him, but we only call each other by first names. It’s the whole ‘Anonymous’ part, ya know? You’ll see a lot of familiar faces, but again, it’s all anonymous. You don’t tell anyone about the people you see in there or what they talk about. It’s how it works. Don’t worry, Kid. You’ll get used to it pretty quick. I believe in you.”

Ben started tearing up at Han’s words. After such a long time in such a troubled relationship with his father, it was meaningful to hear that he believed in him. It was practically a miracle that his parents had so willingly opened their arms and hearts to him after so long without contact, and even longer without positive contact. Ben had been fully prepared to head home shortly after he got here because he genuinely thought his parents would reject him, closing the door in his face, pushing him out of their lives much like how he had pushed them out of his. But no. They opened the door and ushered him in, helping him find his footing on the rocky, unsteady ground that was his life. They were going to help him get better. But would that be enough to win Rey back? Ben shook his head, dispelling that thought. He had to focus and get better for him. Only then would he truly heal.

_ ‘Rey. I swear, I will change. I will get better. For me. Please wait for me.’ _

* * *

The radio played almost silently in the background as Ben drove back to his empty apartment. He didn’t want to go back to the cold loneliness of the home he once shared with Rey. Honestly, he wanted a drink. But he had promised Han that he would get rid of all the alcohol in the apartment, and if he wanted to get better, he would follow through. Sitting at a red light, Ben recognized the area around him. He was close to the humane society where he and Rey had adopted BeeBee two years ago. Sighing, Ben closed his eyes for a moment, trying to blink away the tears that threatened to fall at the memory of Rey smiling brightly at him, holding the small, orange ball of fluff they adopted on their second anniversary, right after he gave her the promise ring. He should go straight through the light, drive the twenty minutes to his apartment, and purge all the alcohol he had, but something was telling him to take a right, to drive and see what animals the humane society had.

“Ah, fuck it.” Ben put his turn signal on and turned right, both regretting his decision and excited to see what could come of it.

There were only a couple cars in the parking lot when Ben pulled in and parked. Taking a deep breath, Ben stared at the homely building, trying to ignore the memories that lingered in this place. He was just here to look, to maybe pet a couple cats and potentially walk a dog. He could barely take care of himself, so there was no way he could care for another living thing.  _ ‘But you’re changing. You’re getting better. Why not have something that looks forward to you coming home?’ _ Ben shook his head against his thoughts. It wasn’t a good idea to get an animal. Hell, he should just leave and go home, to throw away the alcohol like he had promised his father. He put the car into reverse, about to go home, but stopped. Maybe an animal would help him? It would give him a reason to live, to get better. Maybe it would be a band-aid for a little bit, but don’t all wounds need a little bit of help to heal?

Shaking his head at his stupidity, Ben put the car in park again and turned it off, stepping out into the cool, tree-cast shade. It had rained while he was at his parent’s house, true to his mother’s words, so there was a certain chill to the air, despite it being late April. He pulled his jacket around him tighter as he walked into the quaint building.

The loud sounds of dogs barking washed over Ben as soon as he opened the door. Ben liked dogs well enough, but he was definitely more of a cat person. They were just so independent and self-assured, relying on their owners just enough, but fully capable of surviving on their own. If Ben got an animal today, it would probably have to be a cat. Maybe when he was completely better, he would have the energy and time to devote to a dog, but at the moment, if he got a pet, he needed one who could handle being alone.

But he wasn’t going to get a pet. Ben Solo was dead set on that.

Yet when he walked into the cat room, and a small, twelve-week-old, black kitten came up to him, Ben’s cold, broken heart started melting and healing. The kitten didn’t hesitate in climbing up the side of Ben’s pants, clambering up into his arms. When the kitten started purring and falling asleep in his arms, Ben knew he had been chosen.  _ ‘Dammit . . .’ _ With the black ball of fluff cradled in the crook of his arm, Ben made his way over to the volunteer staffing this area of the cat room.

“Excuse me, but what is this kitten’s name? I want to know more about it.” The volunteer turned around and smiled at Ben, before cooing at the sleepy kitten in his arms.

“Aww Cleo, did you finally choose someone? That’s a good girl!” She straightened and looked at Ben, a gentle smile on her face. “That little one is Cleo. She’s twelve weeks old. She came in with her mother and three brothers when they were barely a few hours old. One of our fosters helped the mom with her babies, as the mom was only about a year old and didn’t really know what to do, so we know her birthday.”

Quickly doing the math, Ben paled. Twelve weeks ago was when Rey broke up with him. Three months. He swallowed before he spoke in a shaking voice.

“What is her birthday?”

The volunteer, completely unaware of the turbulent and rolling emotions Ben was currently experiencing, happily chirped, “She was born on January twenty-third! Very unusual time for a kitten to be born, but that’s her birthday! Are you thinking of adopting her?”

Ben didn’t hear any of the volunteer’s words after the date. January twenty-third. The day Rey shattered his heart. He looked down at the kitten happily purring while asleep, dreaming of whatever kittens dream of, her tiny paws twitching in her sleep. Could he open his broken heart to something that would be a constant reminder of when Rey left? Would he be able to be strong enough to care for something so small and innocent? He would really need to change and get his shit together if he took her home.

“So do you want to adopt her?”

The volunteer’s voice broke through Ben’s spiraling thoughts. Did he want to adopt her? Did he want a kitten? Did he NEED a kitten? The answers to the first two were yes, but the third was a hard no. He didn’t need a kitten. He didn’t need something that needed to rely on him for almost everything. But . . . 

“Yes, I want to adopt her.”

* * *

Arms laden with all the cat essentials, like a litter box, cat food, toys, and the like, Ben made his way to his apartment, juggling everything into one arm so he could unlock his door. The cardboard carrier at his feet mewled, the little kitten scared of all the new sounds and smells. Ben dumped everything onto the kitchen floor, suddenly very thankful he cleaned up the shattered glass from last night before he went to his parents’ house. After he had put everything down, Ben went back to the open door and picked up the carrier. The kitten cried out at being moved suddenly and Ben felt a surge of protectiveness flow through him. He would give this kitten the best home possible. He would care for it as if it was his own child.

Ben placed the carrier in the bathroom before heading back to the kitchen to get the rest of the cat supplies. He knew, from bringing BeeBee home, that kittens, or new cats in general, needed to be introduced to the household slowly. They felt safest being in a small, enclosed room, when in a new space. Well, until they got used to being in a new home. So Ben quietly set up the litter box and food dishes in the bathroom, listening to the kitten scratching at the carrier, wanting desperately to be let free.

“It’s okay. You’ll be out in just a moment. Just please be patient, little one.” Ben hushed the agitated kitten and she surprisingly calmed down, stopping her caterwauling and scratching, replacing them with contented purrs.

After everything was set up, Ben shut the bathroom door and folded himself awkwardly onto the floor. He was just too tall to sit in the bathroom, like Rey did when they brought BeeBee home. But he made it work, opening up the carrier and lifting the small kitten out. He set the kitten on his lap, fully expecting it to jump off and start exploring immediately. But she didn’t move. She just looked up at Ben, her baby blue eyes completely full of trust. She started kneading his thigh, walking in a circle, before settling down, her loud purrs echoing in the small bathroom. Ben felt tears start running down his face. He didn’t deserve such a precious being in his life. He didn’t deserve to be happy, to feel like he wasn’t alone. He deserved to be in pain for the rest of his life, for what he did to Rey.

He shook his head.

No, he couldn’t think like that anymore. Not if he was going to change and heal. He had to accept that he was worthy of love, worthy of happiness. And he could start by loving the small ball of fluff, sleeping on his lap, with every fiber of his being.

“Cleo isn’t a name fitting you, little one. You need a meaningful name, one that will fit you for your entire life.” Ben started listing names out loud, trying each one out on his tongue, seeing how easily they rolled off, and if the kitten reacted to any of them.

“Jinx? Athena? Trix? Alya? Lady? Ladybug? Angel?”

The kitten reacted to none of them, still sleeping soundly on his lap. None of them sounded right coming from him. He needed to think harder about this.

“Jellybean? Lily? Juniper? Daisy? Still nothing?”

The kitten continued sleeping, completely ignoring Ben’s attempts at giving her a name.

“Rey was always so much better at naming things than I was. She was the one who named BeeBee, plus she named all of her plants. What I wouldn’t give to have my Rey of Sunshine back.”

The kitten’s ears twitched and she yawned, slowly waking herself up.

“What? Sunshine? You like that name?” Ben’s heart twinged as the kitten perked up when he said ‘sunshine’ again. Could he live with a cat named after his ex he still loved so dearly? Would saying  _ her _ nickname every time he saw his cat help or hurt his journey towards healing? Well, there was only one way to find out.

“Okay, Sunshine. Welcome to your new home.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm now at 20K words, so I'm moving the chapter count up to 5. I just can't seem to stop writing! But I'll hopefully be done pretty soon, so I expect this story to be completed by the end of next weekend. I really hope you guys enjoy!

Sunday was spent playing with Sunshine and getting her used to the rest of the apartment. For once, Ben didn’t drink. Hell, he didn’t even think of it. But all too quickly, Monday rolled around and it was a long day of work before his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Ben parked his car next to The Falcon in the parking lot of the county office. Ben hadn’t known what was at the address his dad had texted him that morning, only that he was to be there no later than 6:15 PM. He sighed, oh so tempted to put the car in reverse, head home, and drink himself into a stupor where he would inevitably text or call Rey and fuck everything up all over again. But he couldn’t do that. That wasn’t his present, or future, anymore. He had Sunshine to take care of, and he couldn’t take care of her when he was drunk. He had to get better for him, and then maybe, just maybe, he would have a chance with Rey.

A knock on his window startled him and his father looked back at him, his hand raised as if prepared to knock again. “C’mon Kid. It’s about to start.”

Ben sighed one last time before he got out of his car and stood beside his father. They looked each other in the eye, a mutual understanding flowing through them, before they broke contact and started their joint walk into the building. The brick building was nondescript, just a plain, old, stereotypical county seat, unchanged from the 90’s. The interior flooring was linoleum, tan tiles with flecks of black that made one uncertain if the floor was actually dirty or if it was just the pattern. Ben’s black dress shoes squeaked against the slick floor, and he suddenly felt out of place in his work suit, as Han was wearing a flannel shirt with muddy jeans.

“H-,” Ben stopped himself, “Dad, is this really okay? Am I making the right decision?”

Han just sighed and stopped walking, pinching the bridge of his nose. Ben halted and stared at his father, wanting to know what he was thinking.

“Son. Ben. Only you can tell yourself if this is the right decision. Personally? I think this is a huge step in the right direction. I think attending this meeting and getting to know everyone else will really help you start healing and learning how to cope with Rey being gone. Plus not drinking will definitely help any mental disorders you might have. But you’re an adult. I can’t force you to attend. I can only tell you what I can see as your father and as a potential sponsor.” Han started walking down the hallway again, glancing at his watch before looking back at Ben.

Ben just stared numbly at Han, unsure of what he should do. Should he leave? Should he stay? Could he even change in the first place? He thought of Sunshine at home, sleeping in the cat bed that was much too big for her. Oh how he would love to introduce her to BeeBee. He could be her big brother. But that would mean Rey would be back in his life. And if that was to ever happen, he had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk into that meeting with hopes that it could provide the change in his life that he so desperately needed. He sighed, closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them, steel-like determination filling his gaze. 

Han saw this and a small smile graced his face before he hid it and led Ben into his first AA meeting.

* * *

The meeting ended at eight thirty at night, and Ben was exhausted. It had been an emotional meeting, having to introduce himself and his problems, and why they became a problem in the first place. He saw many familiar faces, like the leader, his senior year history teacher, Cassian Andor. He also saw Poe Dameron, who had graduated both high school and college with him, though they never had been particularly close. They had always run in different social groups, some that clashed occasionally, but after tonight, Ben realized they weren’t all that different. Poe had dealt with some similar things and some different. At the moment, he was struggling with his boyfriend breaking up with him, which Ben related to, somewhat, with what he was going through with Rey. Other familiar faces included family friends, teachers, and just people known about the small town where Ben’s parents lived and where Ben had grown up.

Han walked with Ben out to their cars, comfortable with the silence between them. Ben’s phone was metaphorically heavier with several new numbers to call if he was struggling about putting down the bottle. Of course, the first person he would call would be his sponsor, his dad. But if, God forbid, he couldn’t get ahold of him, he could call Cassian, or Poe, or one of the other members instead.

Before they got into their cars, Han touched Ben’s shoulder gently.

“Thank you for coming, Ben. I know this will be good for you. Call me or your mom if you need anything. I think your mom will have a list of therapists tomorrow or Wednesday, and I’d highly suggest checking them out sooner rather than later. I believe in you, Ben. You’ve got this.” And with that, Han got in The Falcon and left.

Ben smiled slightly, knowing his father had never been comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings, but it always meant a lot to him whenever he did share them. A small smile still on his face, Ben got into his car and drove away, with plans in mind to attend the next session that Thursday.

* * *

Tuesday morning, Leia texted Ben a list of therapists in the area, with emphasis on the top one, saying, “She’s one of the best. Try to get in with her.” So Ben called up Maz Kanata, a psychologist specializing in dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT. He had done a little bit of research on Sunday about therapy and what to expect. There was a whole world of therapy out there that he had no idea existed. There were different types that were better for certain disorders and illnesses, and Ben had found some significant research articles that DBT was the better therapy choice for helping to treat and manage his borderline personality disorder. And of course, it would help his depression too. So he spoke with Maz, and succeeding in getting an appointment in the evening on that Friday. A stroke of luck that someone just canceled, Maz had said.

After he hung up with Maz, Ben sent off a quick text to his mom that he had gotten an appointment fairly quickly, and thanked her for taking so much of her time to look up and do research for him on who would be best. He also shot off a text to his dad, letting him know the same, and that he would see him on Thursday for the AA meeting. Ben then called his boss and said he was taking a personal day, and would return to work on Wednesday. Despite Ben regularly drinking during the week, he had yet to miss a day of work due to his alcohol consumption. So his boss was more than willing to let his top worker have a day off.

Ben cleaned the apartment for a little while, putting off what he knew he needed to do. But in the end, once his small home was clean from floor to ceiling, Ben settled down onto the couch with a nice cup of green tea, and opened the book Rey had written her note in. He figured it was about time he actually took a deep look into himself, and it was a good idea to have something he would need to talk about in his therapy appointment on Friday. Sunshine hopped up onto the couch beside him and settled down to take a nap as Ben started reading.

The first chapter of the book basically summarized what the person without borderline was going through that made them pick up the book. The first part that Ben felt truly connected with him was the part that spoke about how people with borderline feel the same emotions as people without it, but they feel their emotions more intensely, thus acting in ways that are seen as more extreme and having difficulty in moderating and regulating their emotions and behavior. It was one of the reasons why Ben didn’t think there was anything “wrong” with him whenever Rey tried to bring up his turbulent emotions. He was just feeling angry, sad, happy, frustrated, joyful, you name it. He didn’t realize he was feeling those emotions in a way that was too extreme and intense to be “normal.”

A tear slipped down his cheek, blurring Rey’s note in the margin about how he cared so deeply, yet his other emotions, the more negative ones, affected her just as profoundly as the loving side of him. Ben almost set the book down, the urge to drink nearly overwhelming him. He was barely finished with one chapter and he was already oh so tempted to break the vows he had made to his mother, father, and everyone else in the AA group. He wanted to hurt, because he had hurt Rey so deeply. She had suffered so much, and mostly in silence, because of him. He deserved to hurt, he deserved to let everyone down, to fuck everything up all over again. Hell, he deserved to die, for what he did to the love of his life.

The soft purrs of Sunshine broke through his downward spiraling thoughts, grounding him in the moment. If he was to ever change, he had to first accept that he needed help and be willing to make an active, conscious change in his life. He needed to accept that he was worthy of love and compassion, just as much as anyone else in his life. So he turned the page, reading onward. 

The second and third pages of the second chapter were a mess of overlapping colors, scribbled writings lining every inch of the margins. Even though the dates and the colors had been written in a key at the beginning of the book, each little note had a date next to it, showing what had been going through Rey’s mind when she read the book for the umpteenth time. Those colorful pages held the criteria for BPD, the symptom list. Ben read through it, noting that for a person to be diagnosed, they had to exhibit five out of the nine general symptoms. Six of the nine were the ones most marked up, and Ben’s blood ran cold as he read the list and Rey’s notes on each symptom she saw.

  1. **Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).**



Rey had underlined the first sentence, multiple times in multiple colors, three notes in different colors with different dates squeezed in next to the first symptom. Ben read through them, tears slowly falling down his face, taking in the pain that Rey had to deal with throughout their relationship. The first note was from her first time reading it, dated December 2nd, 2015. He traced her words with a tentative finger, as if trying to feel the pain she felt when she wrote the note to herself.

**Went to concert and couldn’t text. Thought I was cheating. Said he hated me then said he’d do anything to get me back. Why is he doing this?**

Ben remembered that night clearly. Rey had gone to a concert with her best friend Rose and was supposed to be back around eleven at night. But it was twelve thirty and she wasn’t home yet and she hadn’t texted him saying she was staying out later. Ben’s mind had immediately jumped to the thought that she didn’t go to the concert like she said she did and was instead off at a hotel room cheating on him with someone better than him in almost every way. So he had angrily texted her, telling her to spend the night with her new lover and to forget about him because he hated her anyways. When she still didn’t text back, fear took over the anger and he begged her to come back. It was a little after one in the morning when Rey finally came home to a Ben who was both furious and inconsolable. He had demanded to know why she hadn’t texted back and where she really had been. 

Ben recalled the shock on her face at his accusations, wondering what had come over the man she loved, but Ben didn’t see anything wrong with his actions, thinking it was just common sense to think his girlfriend was cheating on him when she was out late and couldn’t be reached. She explained that she had forgotten to charge her phone before the concert and had left her portable charger at home, so her phone had died during the middle of the concert. Rose had suggested they go out for a drink and something small to eat, so they had done that. Rey didn’t think there was anything wrong with her doing this, so she didn’t think to use Rose’s phone to tell him what she was doing. Ben remembered yelling at her, asking her to think about how he would feel about her actions. He also remembered that was the first time he had made Rey cry, and it wouldn’t be the last time.

Ben sat the book down on the couch beside him, staring blankly at the wall across the room. That was just one note, one memory. How many memories would he have to relive while reading this book? Would he be able to survive doing that? Would it be a cathartic reading, one that brought peaceful awareness to what was wrong with his head? Or would it be a violent unravelling of the threads in his mind, the few strands barely holding him together snapping, causing his destruction? Ben didn’t know which one it would be. Hopefully it would explain everything and make therapy and AA a lot easier to deal with, but he doubted it. He had a feeling this book would be the end of him, breaking him into something that AA and therapy wouldn’t be able to fix.

He picked up the book and continued reading.

* * *

The second Alcoholics Anonymous meeting went well, with Ben slowly coming out of his shell more, sharing what had happened to cause his alcoholism. He found that a lot of the members had had some form of a trigger that started their drinking, which they then couldn’t stop. Some of the members had been drinking uncontrollably for years, like his father had, while others, like Poe and himself, had only lost control in the last six months or so. Either way, they were all treated as equals. Everyone was the same. They all struggled with the same issue: alcoholism. No one was better than another. If someone relapsed, then they surrounded that person with kindness and support, raising them back up towards a healthy state of being. When someone hit a milestone in their recovery, there was celebration, encouraging that person to continue along on their journey. 

Poe had been clean for two months, but was struggling with the urges to drink again, since he had just found out his ex-boyfriend had started dating again. The group had offered their support, giving advice on how to acknowledge the urges and feelings, but not give into them, to let the waves wash over him but still stay afloat. Ben didn’t feel like he could offer much to the people in the group, as he hadn’t been clean for even a week yet, but he still joined in their support of Poe and his road to recovery.

When the meeting was over, Ben, Han, and Poe all walked to their cars together, chit-chatting along the way. Han invited them both over for dinner, to further discuss what was going on in their lives, but Poe declined, instead wanting to grab a bite with Ben at the local diner down the road. Ben was surprised, not knowing if Poe remembered him from high school and college or not, but agreed. They drove separately, Ben following Poe’s Camaro, not quite remembering if the diner was there when they were younger or not. But when they pulled into the 50’s style diner, Ben was pulled back into his childhood, having greasy bacon and not-so-fluffy pancakes on Saturday mornings with his dad, who was just a little too hungover for anything other than a black coffee.

They walked in silence, sitting down in a booth, both smiling at the tired waitress when she came to their table to take their drink orders. Despite it being a Thursday night, they both ordered coffee, not knowing how long they would be there, wanting to stay awake for their conversation. The waitress brought out mugs quickly, taking their orders as she poured the coffee. Ben wasn’t too hungry, so he just got a side of fries, while Poe ordered a burger. They sat in silence, drinking their coffees. Ben started feeling awkward, not knowing what he was doing here, but Poe broke the silence all too soon.

“Rey was the one who broke up with you, right?” Poe got straight to the point.

Ben nearly choked on his coffee at his nonchalant words, as if Poe didn’t realize they would cause him pain. He glared at Poe, wondering what he was getting at. “Yes, she was. What of it?”

Poe just hummed quietly, taking a sip of his coffee before speaking again. “Just trying to get my timelines correct. You guys met in college, right? She was a transfer student and she came over for our junior year. You then started dating late April of twenty-fifteen, right? Shortly after her twenty-first birthday?”

Ben just nodded, still unsure of what Poe was getting at.

“We all graduated in twenty-sixteen, which you guys moved in together shortly after that, right? And here we are, three years later. You’re single, I’m single -”

“Poe, I don’t swing that way and you know it.” Ben cut off Poe’s sentence, not wanting him to get the wrong idea.

Poe put his hands up in a slightly defensive, slightly funny way. “Not what I was going for buddy, but okay. I’m just trying to catch up with you. I know our little cliques didn’t always get along in high school and college, but I always did admire your passion for school. And for Rey. She was like a sister to all of us and when you guys started dating, we were worried about you two. Not because we thought anything specific would happen, just that we didn’t want anything to happen to either of you. And now, it seems like everything is falling apart. Finn left me, he’s dating Rose, and it’s just a giant clusterfuck. But hey, we gotta stick together, right? It’s just you and me now.”

Ben nodded, looking down into his coffee. He had to do this. For himself and for Rey. No. He couldn’t think like that. He had to do this for himself and himself alone. Rey and anything happening between them would be a side effect of his growth and healing. He had to change for himself. That was the only way this would work. He jolted out of his reverie when his fries were placed in front of him, the greasy, artery closing smell wafting up from the plate. Poe’s burger looked just as unhealthy, and Ben’s appetite fell. He tried to eat healthy, or at least keep himself in shape, so eating a diner like this probably wasn’t the best idea. Though, drinking a bottle of whiskey in a single night more nights than not definitely wasn’t healthy. Maybe he could start going to the gym again? To try and get back on track, both physically and mentally?

Poe practically moaned when he took a bite of his burger and Ben rolled his eyes so far he thought they would get stuck staring at the back of his head. Only Poe would do that. But . . . maybe this was a good idea. Lord knows Ben didn’t have many, if any, friends. He basically only hung out with Rey once they graduated college, slowly shutting himself off from everyone but his favorite person in the world. So, having Poe as his first friend, might not be that bad of an idea.

Ben smiled, picking up a fry and eating it. Maybe he could get used to having friends again.

* * *

Friday evening came and Ben’s mind was all over the place as he waited nervously in the small waiting room at Maz’s office. He was here for his first therapy session and he didn’t know what to expect. He had Rey’s book tucked under his arm, prepared to show it to his new therapist and get her opinion on it and what Rey had thought what was “wrong” with him. The clock in the waiting room ticked away the seconds slowly, each tick sounding louder and louder. Ben could feel the ticking of the clock in the pulsing of his blood. He could feel the clock in his entire being. The clock was him. He was the clock. He was just ticking, ticking, ticking away until he snapped. The room was too small. Was it getting hot in here? He loosened the tie around his neck, feeling constricted and trapped. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t brea-

“Ben?”

An elderly voice cut through his spiraling and panicked thoughts and Ben looked up at the only other person in the room. A petite, no, that wasn’t the right word. A downright tiny woman, not even four and a half feet, was staring at him through thick glasses in the doorway to the back of the office. Was she Maz, his new therapist? Was she the one who would help him to get better? The woman adjusted her glasses, looking deeply at him, and Ben could feel her gaze pierce his very soul. He knew this woman already knew so much about himself, stuff that even he didn’t know about himself.

“Ben, if you’re ready, you can come on back.”

He stood up, towering over the woman, and followed her into her office. It was nothing like Ben had expected a therapist’s office to be. He was fully expecting to be forced to lie down on an uncomfortable couch in a blank room and list off all his problems while his therapist took notes and made an occasional noise of acknowledgment. But that wasn’t what the room was like at all. It was warm and homely, with a comfy looking couch and two armchairs, two walls painted a light cream and the other two painted a royal blue. Abstract artwork hung on the walls, along with Maz’s diploma’s and credentials. Ben stood there in shock, taking it all in, when Maz cleared her throat.

“Would you like to sit down, Ben? And would you prefer me to call you Mr. Solo?”

Ben shook himself out of his stupor, sitting down on the couch, silent for a moment before he realized Maz had asked him a question. “No, Ben is fine. Mr. Solo is my dad.”

Maz just smiled, settling down into one of the chairs across from the couch. She peered at him through her thick lenses, and waited. She didn’t say anything.  _ ‘Isn’t she supposed to say something?’  _ Ben thought, feeling more and more awkward by the second.  _ ‘Should I say something? What do I say? How do I start?’ _ He cleared his throat and hesitated. Could he even do this? What would he talk about? Why was he here? He shifted in his seat, so tempted to just get up and leave. But if he wanted to get better, he had to sit here and get help. So he waited. And waited. Five minutes had gone by and neither of them had spoken.

“Maz, I-”

“Ben, why are you here?” Maz didn’t look ashamed to have interrupted him, instead looking intrigued at what Ben’s response would be.

“I want to get better? Why else would I be here?” Ben didn’t really understand her question. He wanted to get healthy and change. He wanted Rey back. He was here because he knew this would help.

“No, Ben. Why are YOU here?” Maz looked pointedly at Ben, making him think there was more to this question than he had thought.

He sighed, thinking deeply. Why was he here? Yeah he wanted to change. Of course he wanted Rey back, which wouldn’t happen without him changing and getting healthy. But why was he here? 

The puzzle pieces started falling into place again.

“I’ve . . . I’ve been out of control, for a while now. Just recently, since my long-term girlfriend broke up with me, I’ve become an alcoholic. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous and have been to two meetings, and my dad is my sponsor, and I haven’t had a drink since last Friday. But . . .” Ben stopped. Where was this coming from? Why was he spilling his guts to someone he just met. Granted, this was her job, but still. Ben didn’t think he would have been this comfortable this quickly telling someone what was wrong with his life. But he felt like he could trust Maz, that she would be able to help him with things he wouldn’t be able to do on his own.

“Yes?”

“But it’s been longer than that. Longer than the last few months. Rey, my girlfriend, left me because she couldn’t deal with my mental illnesses anymore. I’ve never been diagnosed, but she thought I had depression and borderline personality disorder. She had countless books on both topics, and I brought one with me today.” He pulled the book out from under his arm. “I’ve started reading it, and it all clicks. The uncontrollable anger, the feeling so loving one moment then hating Rey the next, the fear of her leaving me, which made me act in such irrational ways, it all makes sense. So I don’t know what to do. I want to change. I want to get better, for myself, of course, but also for Rey. I know changing solely for her won’t do me any good, so I have to want it for myself, but I don’t know if I’ll have the motivation to do that.” The worried thoughts that had been spiraling in Ben’s head finally had an outlet. He was finally able to work through them in a constructive environment.

“Thank you for telling me all this, Ben. This is really helping me get a better picture of who you are and what you need from me and from these sessions.” Maz smiled gently at him, shifting in her seat. “I agree with your statement that changing for Rey solely won’t work, but it’s okay to have that be the motivation in the beginning. It just can’t be the only motivation for your whole journey. Wanting to change for Rey might be what gets you in gear and gets you moving toward the next phase of recovery, but you will need to want it for yourself sooner or later. But for right now, it’s perfectly okay for you to want to change for Rey.”

Ben’s eyes widened. What that even possible? Was he allowed to change for Rey, even just at the beginning? It . . . could work? Maybe? 

“Okay. I think that is something I could do.”

“Good! Now let’s talk about having you see a psychiatrist as well as myself. Would you be okay taking medication for your illnesses? I personally would prefer it, as it would help even things out, however it also means you can’t drink, as alcohol affects the absorption of medication. Do you think you’d be able to do this? It would help your sobriety as well.”

Ben hesitated. Would he be willing to take medication? After denying there had been something wrong with him for so long, here he was doing therapy and practically immediately being asked to take medication. His first thoughts were to strongly refuse to take medication. He could handle this by himself with just therapy. But . . . Maybe Maz was right?

“Okay. As long as they won’t make me feel like someone other than myself.”

“They won’t, Ben. And if they do, then they aren’t the right medication and you will be switched to another one. I have faith that you can succeed in getting better. However, I do have to warn you, while depression and certain other mental illnesses can be ‘cured’ so to speak, borderline personality disorder is just that; a personality disorder. Personality disorders are a life sentence. They can be managed, with symptoms being treated with therapy and medication, but there is always the possibility of it manifesting again in a severe way. You would need to be on top of recognizing your symptoms and your thought patterns, to prevent an escalation of a swing.”

Ben paled. This was a life sentence? He would always have borderline? It was just who he was, a part of him that would never go away, despite how much he tried to change?

“However, I am not going to diagnose you with anything quite yet. I recognize you are someone who is struggling a significant amount, but I do not know you and your symptoms well enough to officially diagnose you right now. Within the next few sessions, potentially, but you have to know, a diagnosis does not define who you are. You are someone who happens to have that illness, just as someone might have asthma, a cold, or the flu. Having depression and/or borderline does not make you weak or lesser than someone who doesn’t have anything ‘wrong’ with their brain. You are a strong individual. I can see that already. You have just been dealt a rough hand. But I know you’ll rise above this. That I am sure of.”

Ben felt a tear slip down his face. How could this woman, who had just met him, read him and tell him what he needed to hear so easily? She was just as good as Rey when it came to reading him. Maybe this would work out? God, he hoped so. He needed a good kick in the ass when it came down to the basics. He needed to get his shit together, and this was just one way he was starting to get it together.

“Thank you, Maz. I’m glad you have the confidence in me that I am lacking.”

“Of course, Ben. Now, what would you like to talk about for the remainder of the session?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has death and relapsing. Just a heads up.
> 
> I am also now at basically 24K words, so I'm moving the chapter count up to 6 to be safe. If I manage to resolve it in one more chapter (which is already 3K+ words long) then I'll keep it at 5. But I think it'll be 6 chapters in the end.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

The next three months flew by, Ben attending two AA meetings a week and seeing Maz every Friday evening. He was finally seeing his life change. He was on medication now, as well, and hadn’t had a drop of alcohol in thirteen weeks. Sunshine was getting bigger too, as she had just hit six months old, her soft, fluffy kitten fur slowly changing into sleek, shiny adult fur. She was as playful as ever, yet was still content to sleep by his side every night. It was so nice having something to care for, besides himself. Having Sunshine depending on him to come home every night to feed and play with her had made just as much of a difference in his life as had AA, therapy, and medication. 

Playing with Sunshine on Monday night, in the thirty minutes between work and AA, Ben realized he hadn’t texted or called Rey since she had told him he needed to change. It was amazing. After starting to piece together his broken life, he no longer felt the need to contact her or try to win her back. That was definitely some progress he could tell Maz that Friday. Glancing at his watch, Ben realized if he didn’t leave now, he’d be late to AA. 

“I gotta go, honey. I’ll be back in a couple hours though, okay? Be a good girl and watch over things. Love ya, my Sunshine.” Ben left the worn out kitten laying on the couch as he headed out to his meeting, happy with the changes he had made in his life. Maybe he would grab a bite to eat with his dad after the meeting? Who knows. But one thing was for sure. Ben was so glad he finally had a good, happy, and healthy relationship with his father.

* * *

The meeting ran a little longer than normal, so when Ben got home after it, he nearly collapsed on the couch. He had had to go into work earlier that morning, so he was exhausted, yet pleased with his progress he’d made in his journey to recovery. Sunshine climbed into his lap, kneading his thigh and purring, before she settled down. Gently running his hand through her fur, Ben thought,  _ ‘This is nice. This has been a good day. This will be a good week. I can just feel it’ _

His pocket vibrated. And vibrated again, Sunshine sleepily opening her eyes, giving a slight glare to the phone in his pocket. Who could be calling him? Maybe his dad wanted to chat more about what had happened in the meeting? Ben pulled out his phone, accepting the call without first seeing who it was.

“Hello?”

“Ben!? Oh thank God you picked up. Ben, you have to come here!”

“Mom, mom. Slow down. What happened? Is everything okay?”

His blood ran cold at his mother’s next words.

“Ben, your father. He was in an accident with a drunk driver. We’re at the hospital now, but, Ben,” her voice cracked, “Ben they don’t think he’s going to make it.” She broke down in sobs, her pain echoing through his ears. His dad, in an accident? Drunk driver? Not going to make it?

The phone slipped from his hand, falling to the couch seat beside him. His mother’s voice, now faint, called out to him. But Ben didn’t hear it. His world was self-destructing all around him. He was finally having a good father-son relationship, one he had been lacking for the pasts 25 and a half years. And it was going to be taken away from him? Just like that? Because some asshole decided to drink and drive? This . . . this couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

“Ben!” His name came faintly from his phone lying beside him. Shaking himself out of his daze, he picked up his phone. 

“Mom. I’ll be right there. Tell dad to hang on, just a little longer.” He ended the call, gently nudging Sunshine off his lap, running out the door to his car. 

He couldn’t lose his dad. He couldn’t lose him. He just couldn’t.

* * *

Car screeching into a parking space, Ben knew he had packed haphazardly, but he couldn’t seem to give a shit at the moment. He raced into the emergency room, giving both his and his father’s information, so he could be led back to see his dad. He followed the nurse anxiously, the hallway seemingly dragging on and on for forever. When they reached the last room on that floor, the nurse beckoned him inside with a grim look on her face. Ben rushed into the room, eyes widening at the sight of his dad, who had always been so strong and sturdy, who was now covered in wires and monitors, his body black and red, bandages wrapping across his head and his chest. This wasn’t fair. This just wasn’t fair.

Leia gently touched Ben’s hand, snapping him back to reality. He looked at his mother, her face red and blotchy from crying, and hugged her tightly. They would need to rely on each other during this time, no matter what the outcome was. Ben prayed to a God he didn’t believe in.  _ ‘Please God. Please don’t let my dad die. I need him. Mom needs him. We need him here, God. Please don’t take him, not yet.’ _

“B-Ben . . . L-Leia . . .” Both Ben and Leia looked at Han in shock. He had been unconscious since he was brought in after the accident, but now he was looking at both of them faintly.

“Han!” Leia rushed to his side, kneeling at his bed. Her tears fell faster, and Ben knew she was barely holding it together for both his father and for him. Ben slowly walked over to the other side of the bed, still completely in shock with everything that just happened. He knelt opposite from his mother, looking at his father just lying there and staring at them. Han’s eyes started misting over, unshed tears just waiting to be released. Slowly raising his hand, he gently placed a cool palm on Ben’s cheek, and Ben clasped it there in one of his own hands.

“Ben, I am so proud of all that you’ve done, son. You’ve come a long way.” Han took a rattled breath, looking between his wife and his son. “Leia, keep Ben going strong. I know he can do this. Ben, stay sober. I believe in you.” Another rattled breath. “Leia, I love you, so much. And Ben? I know I didn’t say this nearly enough when you were younger, but I always felt it. I love you, Ben.”

The hand Ben was holding to his face felt limp, the room filling with a steady, long beep. The sounds all faded away as nurses and doctors rushed into the room, pushing Ben to the side so they could get to Han. A nurse held Leia back where she was screaming and crying, but Ben heard nothing except for the loud beating of his own heart and his harsh, jagged breathing. It felt like hours, but was only a matter of minutes, before the doctor in charge shook his head with a grim look on his face. He motioned the nurse with the defibrillators away, where she had been preparing them for a fourth go at shocking Han. 

Leia’s shrill voice broke through the haze that covered Ben.

“HAN!” She broke free from the nurse holding her, rushing to her husband’s side, sobbing, shaking him gently, trying to wake him up. “No, no, no. This isn’t real. No. Wake up, Han! No don’t go!”

Ben just stared in shock. How could his dad be gone, just like that? This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real. Why did he have to go now, right when they were starting to heal their broken relationship? A doctor placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, startling Ben. He looked up at the doctor, still not registering what had happened.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

Leia wailed louder. Ben walked over and knelt by his mother, pulling her into his arms. She turned away from the bed, and broke down onto Ben’s chest, soaking his shirt with her hot tears. This . . . this wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to his mom. It wasn’t fair to him. It was just cruel for the universe to steal him away from both of them, especially in the way he was stolen. Han had been a victim to the bottle for so long, yet managed to break free. And now his life was taken by someone who was took weak to stay away from the drink. It just wasn’t fair.

Ben stood up and brought Leia up with him, holding her close as her legs threatened to collapse. He managed to pull over the only chair in the room without letting go of his mother, and gently sat her down in it. He knelt in front of her, taking her head in his hands, forcing her to look at him. “Mom, it’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this, together. I promise.”

Leia just nodded silently, tears still streaming down her face. She looked over Ben’s shoulder at her husband, lying on the bed, and a choked sob made its way out of her throat. But she swallowed it down, trying to be strong, to not show any more weakness than she had already shown. Ben just held her close, allowing her to have an outlet for her pain if she wanted to. But she was composing herself, carefully compartmentalizing her feelings, slowly assuming the cool collectedness that was her natural state. 

After she had placed a fragile mask of strength on her face, she pulled away from Ben. She used his shoulder as a leverage point to stand up, wavering slightly, before she walked over to the bed. She gently kissed Han’s forehead, curling a lock of his hair around her finger, and smiled sadly. 

Ben couldn’t take it anymore.

He stood up suddenly, his mother looking at him in confusion. “Ben. Wha-”

“I have to go. I . . . I just have to go. I’m sorry.”

Leia just looked at her son sadly, knowing what was going through his mind. As Ben walked away, she called out to him. “I don’t care what you do tonight. I want you to stay sober, but I won’t hold anything against you. I just . . . I can’t lose you too. Please be careful, Ben.”

He nodded to show her that he had heard her, but didn’t respond. The tears he had been holding back were threatening to make an appearance, which he couldn’t do in front of his mother. He had to be strong for her. So he walked out of the hospital room, leaving his grieving mother with his dead father.

* * *

Ben didn't know how he got home. It was as if one moment he was at the hospital and the next he was at home. Disassociation, that’s what it was. Maz had said it was a symptom of borderline in a past session. All Ben knew was that he was home, and had stopped at the liquor store on the way home. A bottle of whiskey and a bottle of Everclear sat facing him on the coffee table, daring him to open them and break three months of sobriety. He couldn’t. He needed to be strong, show his dad and everyone that he would not be broken. But . . .

He opened the bottle of whiskey.

The smell tantalized him, begging him to take a sip. The rich, oaky aroma swirled around him, and he started falling. He needed it. He wasn’t strong. He wasn’t the man everyone thought he was. He was weak, too weak to stay away from the alcohol that would numb his mind to the pain he was going through. It was like Rey, but worse. With Rey, he could still call her, still hopefully see her in the future. But his dad? His dad was gone. He would never be able to see him again.

He put the bottle to his lips.

Then he stopped and set the bottle down on the table. He pulled out his phone, scrolling through his contacts. He needed to speak with someone, someone he hadn’t spoken with in a while. The contact picture caused his heart to break just a little bit more, but he couldn’t stop himself from pressing the call button.

The phone rang and rang, but a sleepy voice on the other end of the line finally picked up.

“Ben?” Rey’s voice was just as beautiful to him as the day they met. This time, it wasn’t clouded with anger and pain like the last time they spoke. It was full of tiredness, with a hint of concern.

“Rey, I’m sorry for calling you. But you would want to know. My father, Han, was in an accident with a drunk driver. He didn’t make it. He’s gone. I just wanted to tell you before you found out elsewhere. I’m sorry for calling you. Goodbye.”

“Ben, wait!”

He hung up the phone, not wanting her pity, anger, pain, whatever emotion she was feeling in  that moment. The phone slipped from his hand, dropping into his lap, and the tears he had been holding back started to fall. He sobbed uncontrollably, grasping his head in his hands, pulling and yanking on his hair to feel anything other than emotional pain.

His phone vibrated. Rey.

He ignored the call.

She called again.

He ignored it a second time.

The third time she called, Ben shut his phone off, too numb to talk to anyone. He put the bottle of whiskey to his lips again, but hesitated. His father wouldn’t want this. He should call Cassian, or Poe, or another random person from AA, rather than drink himself into a stupor. He picked up his phone again, and almost turned it on to call someone, but decided against it and set it down once more. 

For the first time in three months, Ben drank alcohol.

The large swig of whiskey burned like hell down his throat and he coughed after he swallowed, not used to drinking like he did in the past. But after each sip, he coughed a little less and it went down smoother, making him question why did he ever stop in the first place? The flames that licked down his throat and the fire that burned in his belly were all too familiar and yet strange at the same time. Oh how he had missed this. To hell with AA. To hell with Rey. To hell with everything in the world that wasn’t him and his toxic bride. He would be married to the bottle for the rest of his life, only caring about how it made him forget everything he once cared about. The last aching sip of whiskey only fanned the flames of desire in him. He needed this. He needed more.

The whiskey was empty.

Ben stared at the Everclear, daring it to make its move. He had never drank anything this powerful, but with a powerful darkness in his life, he needed a powerful light to erase it. Maybe he would forget everything with this drink. Hell, maybe this would be enough to put him out of his suffering?

He shook his head.

No. He deserved to suffer. He deserved the pain. After everything that he had done to Rey and to everyone else in his life, he deserved to hurt. No. That wasn’t quite right. He needed to hurt. He needed the pain. He needed to suffer. That’s why he was torturing himself with this, drinking and letting everyone down with each and every sip. He grabbed the bottle and twisted the cap open, the harsh scent of almost pure ethanol washing over him, making his eyes water. 

He was about to take his first taste of Everclear when there was an insistent knock on his door.

Who could that be? Hell, it was after midnight, so who the fuck would be knocking on his door? His mom? No. She would have called to tell him she was coming over. Poe? Cassian? Probably. Leia probably called them and asked one of them to check up on him, to make sure he wasn’t drinking. To hell with that. He wasn’t answering the door in that case. He didn’t want to see their looks of pity and feel the shame that was threatening to rise inside him over the fact that he couldn’t remain sober.

The person on the other side of the door knocked louder and faster.

The Everclear burned hotter than the whiskey, nearly tipping him over the edge with one gulp. God it hurt. But it hurt so good. His mind was throbbing, ears sounding like they were full of bees, the silence that filled the apartment was so quiet it was deafening. But through the roaring quiet, a hesitant voice cut through.

“Ben. I know you’re in there. Please open the door.”

Rey? Why was she here? There was no logical reason as to why his ex-girlfriend would show up in the middle of the night when he was getting drunk for the first time in months. He took another swig of the Everclear, feeling the liquid boil in his blood, using that taste of courage to set the bottle down, stand up, and stumble to the door. Looking through the peephole, he saw Rey standing there in her pajamas, her hair longer than he had ever seen it, looking lost, scared, and concerned all a the same time. His immediate reaction was to pull open the door and hug her, but he stopped himself. He didn’t want Rey to see him like this, especially after the last time they spoke, when she said he needed to change for himself. He hadn’t spoken with her in over three months, so why was she here now?

“Please, Ben.” Her whispered words almost don’t make it through the door. 

But Ben heard her. 

He grabbed the door handle and slowly turned it, giving Rey the chance to run away if she wanted to. When the door finally opened, they both just stared at each other for a moment, before Rey stepped closer to him. She opened her arms,but didn’t make any movement to hug him, letting him set the boundaries where he wanted them. He stepped forward, as if to hug her, but then stepped back, head hung low, eyes staring at the floor. Ben opened the door wider, and walked into the apartment, letting Rey make the decision on whether or not she wanted to come in.

Ben stood over the kitchen sink, arms bracing his body, as he waited to see if she would follow him or not. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on grounding his body when he heard the door quietly shut and the soft padding of feet coming closer to him. He could feel her presence next to him, but kept his eyes shut, trying to not let her closeness bother him. A gentle hand touched his shoulder, startling his eyes open. Rey was close, much closer than he had thought, and she looked sad, like she had lost someone close to her.

“I’m sorry, Ben. I don’t know what to say. I know I probably shouldn’t have come, and I’m just making things worse, but I couldn’t just leave you here to suffer alone.” Rey’s voice was soft and gentle, her normal spitfire attitude gone. She genuinely seemed to care about him and what he was going through. But . . . How did she know? How did she know he was drinking? Why was he drinking in the first place anyways? The thought pierced him like an arrow, wounding him, causing him to gasp in realization.

Han. He had lost his father. And he had called Rey before he lost himself to the alcohol. A tear slipped down his cheek, and he glanced at Rey, taking in her tan skin, sunkissed from the July heat. His eyes flitted to her lips, but he immediately pulled them away. It wasn’t like that between them anymore. Things had changed. She had left. She had loved him, but she still left. Ben dared to look at Rey again, seeing her eyes focused on something across the room. He turned his head, following her line of sight, until his gaze landed on the coffee table, graced with the empty whiskey bottle next to the large stack of books that had come from the box Rey left. He turned back to Rey, her eyes flitting to the empty box in the corner.

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

Rey took a deep breath before she spoke again. “Why haven’t you called or messaged me in the last three months?”

Ben just stared at her, the gears slowly turning in his head. Why hadn’t he called? It was obvious, wasn’t it? “You told me not to.”

“Yes . . .” she hesitated, “But if you’re reading those books, you know I didn’t mean what I said in my letter with my ring.”

“I know.” Ben’s mind was barely functioning. Why was Rey asking all these questions? Yeah, her letter to herself in the first book Ben had picked up and read to completion had said she still loved him, but he had figured that had changed in the last six months since she had been gone.

“Then why?”

Ben stood up straight, wavering slightly, and stared at Rey, confusion coloring his face. “Why what?”

“Why haven’t you tried to contact me? You know I still lov-”

“Don’t say it,” Ben interrupted.

“Right, sorry. I just want to know what changed.”

Ben stared at Rey, tilting his head to the side, trying to understand what she was getting at. “I changed.” His words caused her to gasp, whether in shock or happiness, he didn’t know. But he continued speaking. “I’m in AA, I’m seeing a therapist and taking meds. I’m reading your books. I’m taking a hard look at my life and making an active effort to change. This is the first night I’ve drank since the night you told me I had to change for myself.”

Rey was silent for a moment before she whispered, “I’m proud of you, Ben. I truly am.”

Ben just nodded, not sure how to respond to her. 

Sighing, she laid a gentle hand on Ben’s hand, before letting it slip off as she turned away. “I’ll leave now. I’m sorry for coming over unannounced, and I am so sorry for your loss.” She started walking away and Ben panicked. He couldn’t let her leave. Not again. Not for a third time. He wouldn’t be able to survive this one. He grabbed her wrist gently, fingers completely encircling her small wrist.

“Please stay.”

“Ben?”

He was quick to clarify. “Nothing has to happen. I just . . . I don’t want to be alone tonight. Please stay. I’ll sleep on the couch and you can have the bed. Just please. Please don’t leave again.”

Rey turned around, looking at him in shock, tears slipping down her face. Ben immediately looked at the ground, not wanting to meet her eyes, not wanting to be rejected. He was weak, so weak, tonight. And he just needed someone to be there with him, to exist in the same moment, in the same space.

“Okay. Do you want to talk?”

Was . . . Was she really going to stay? Did she really mean this? Whatever she was feeling and whatever she was willing to do, Ben wasn’t going to let it go to waste. He nodded, then let go of her wrist. Walking over to the couch, he picked up the barely touched bottle of Everclear.

“Ben?” She had followed behind him.

He just handed her the bottle, quietly saying, “Dump it out. I don’t want it anymore.” Her small smile helped clear his head and wash some of the rain away. Rey walked over and poured the alcohol down the sink, throwing the bottle into the trash when it was empty. Ben had sat down on the couch while she was disposing of his vice, so she sat down next to him. They sat in silence for a moment, before Ben spoke.

“You were right.”

“Huh?”

“You were right. I have both bpd and depression. My therapist diagnosed me. It’s been hard, taking a close eye to my actions in the past and present and how I can change them for the future. I’m not perfect, and I never will be, but I’m getting better. I’m sorry for everything I put you through. You should hate me, never want to see me again, yet here you are.” He turned towards her. “Thank you, Rey.” 

“Of course, Ben.” Her bright smile filled him with hope; hope that things could be different between them, now that he was changing and healing. He still had a long way to go, but now, maybe Rey could be on the journey with him.

They talked throughout the night, the full moon rising and falling, the stars blinking in and out of sight. Ben knew they she most likely had work in the morning, whereas he was calling off due to his father’s passing, but he couldn’t keep from talking with her. He couldn’t stop himself from craving more and more of each word she gave him. Her voice was soothing, easing the fears that rampaged in his mind, taming the monster that had flared up with the searing fire of the alcohol. But right before dawn, Ben noticed Rey’s soft words had stopped, instead turning into slow and even breathing. He gently picked her up, holding her close to his body, putting her into the bed they once shared. Tucking her in, he brushed away a long lock of chestnut hair. He leaned in and stopped just a hair's breadth away from her forehead, silently debating whether kissing her goodnight was a good idea. 

_ ‘To hell with it,’ _ he thought as he gently pressed his lips to her forehead.  _ ‘Goodnight, my Rey of Sunshine.’ _ He grabbed a blanket from the closet and curled up on the couch, Sunshine finally coming out of hiding and nestling down in the crook of his arm. He passed out quickly enough.

He woke up the next morning and she was gone.

* * *

Ben tried to stay strong for his mother at the viewing, but a few tears slipped down his face, dampening the white collar of his black suit. The small church had been nothing but a flood of people coming to pay their respects to Han. He was so well known throughout the community, always able to make a friend out of a stranger, so there was a constant eb and flow of people coming through the open doors of the church. Why Ben was surprised to see Rey, he didn’t know. Maybe it was because she left him again this morning. Why would she come back if she truly hated him, like she so obviously did?

Rey spoke with Leia first, touching her hand gently, offering a hug. Leia seemed to vaguely remember Rey, not in the right state of mind for her to recall the woman her son had introduced to her once. But nonetheless, she accepted the hug, shedding a few tears onto Rey’s black dress shirt, before Rey moved on to Ben. She opened her arms for a hug, but was greeted with Ben’s stoney gaze, and she lowered her arms, staring at Ben, the silent question dancing in her eyes.

“Why did you leave again?”

He could see the effect his words had on her. His low timbre seemed to shake her to her core, stirring up feelings she had once thought gone. He wanted an answer. He wanted the truth, why she kept coming into his life just to waltz away, leaving his heart in shambles whenever she danced away again.

“Ben, I had to go to work. I’m sorry for leaving, but you were sleeping so peacefully. I didn’t want to wake you up. I know I should have, to at least say goodbye, but I didn’t. I’m so sorry.” her eyes pleaded with Ben to understand her reasoning, why she left without a goodbye. Again. 

He ran a hand through his hair, messing up his already tousled hair, while sighing, completely resigned. He didn’t know how much more of this he could handle, especially now, with one of the legs of his support system gone. He loved her, he truly did, but he didn’t know how many more times he could survive her leaving.

“It’s fine, Rey. I get it.” His voice was monotone, nearly completely emotionless. He was exhausted, emotionally spent. Finding her gone this morning nearly broke him to the point where he had climbed in his car to go to the liquor store, but needed to help his mother with the viewing preparations, so he had headed over to her house instead.

“Ben, I’m so sorry. Han was a great guy and he will be missed.” Poe came up from behind and hugged Ben tightly, trying not to cry. But he looked up, made eye contact with Rey, and his eyes narrowed. “Rey, why the fuck are you here.” That wasn’t a question. He stepped in front of Ben, shielding him from Rey’s view, and crossed his arms, glaring at her.

“Poe, I-”

“No, Rey. You don’t get to make excuses. Where the hell were you during the past six months? Oh wait, you’re the one who left him. You broke him, Rey. I was one of the few people who helped Ben pick himself up after you left. Honestly, I don’t know how he’s still alive. He probably gave himself multiple accounts of alcohol poisoning throughout the three months he was alone before he came to AA. Fuck, he’s probably messed up his liver badly, to the point where drinking like he did last night could kill him. Yeah, he told me what happened. I just didn’t think you had the guts to come here after you left him, AGAIN!” Poe was whisper yelling, not wanting to draw attention to them and away from Leia, but wanting to make a point to Rey that what she did was not okay.

A large hand fell onto Poe’s shoulder, and they both turned and looked at Ben. He looked so defeated, like every inch of life had been sucked from his soul except for one tiny ember of a spark.

“Ben?” Both Poe and Rey said his name at the same time.

“Poe, it’s fine. You don’t need to fight my battles for me. Rey. Just . . .” he turned away, a tear slipping down his face.

Rey nodded, understanding what was going on. Poe was grieving, and he didn’t know what pain she gone through at the hands of Ben. And Ben was hurting just as much because he not only lost his father, but she had also left him when he had needed a friend the most. She wouldn’t push Ben’s boundaries anymore today.

“I get it. Ben, I’m sorry, for leaving this morning and for your loss. I hope we can talk soon.” Rey turned around, not wanting Ben to see the tears slowly budding in her eyes, and walked away. Her heart broke when she heard broken and shuddering sobs coming from behind her. But she couldn’t turn around, she couldn’t look back. She just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk away. Again.

* * *

It was raining and cool, unusual weather for July. But it fit the mood of the day perfectly. The hole had been dug and everyone was gathered graveside, quietly murmuring to each other. A small canopy had been set up, to keep most of the rain off, but the people who couldn’t fit under it were forced to use umbrellas. Ben and Leia were in the heart of crowd, both touching the mahogany coffin in pained silence, arms around each other, supporting the other with what little strength remained in themselves.

The flag that had been draped over the coffin was folded up by two members of the Air Force, where Han had served, and given to Leia, then the coffin was lowered into the ground. A twenty-one gun salute sounded when the coffin hit the bottom of the grave, and Leia let out a strangled sob when the first volley of shots rang out. Ben just held her tighter, resting his cheek on the top of her head, shoulders shaking with his silent pain.

Rey watched all of this from the edge of the crowd, rain mixing with the tears falling down her face. She hadn’t known Han or Leia very much, as Ben had had a troubled relationship with them, but she could feel the pain radiating from Ben, and it impacted her tremendously. Her umbrella was folded at her side, unopened since when she had gotten out of her car. Her dark clothes were soaked, but that was a small price to pay for being here. When taps started playing, Rey turned and walked away, not wanting her presence to hurt Ben more than it already had. 

* * *

The next AA meeting was a hard one that passed in a blur. It was his first one without his father, and the first one after he had relapsed. It was hard to believe it was only three days after the last one, the day when Han died, as it felt like a whole lifetime between the two meetings. Everyone at the meeting was expressing their condolences and sympathy, as if they hadn’t already expressed it at the viewing or funeral. Ben admitted to drinking Monday night, and while he had had urges since then, he hadn’t acted on them. Cassian offered to be his sponsor, but Ben declined, saying he would keep coming, but right now, he didn’t want a sponsor. Cassian understood, telling Ben again that he wasn’t alone in this journey.

Ben sat in silence for the rest of the meeting.

After the meeting ended, Poe suggested they grab a bite to eat, but Ben declined again, saying he was exhausted and he just wanted to go home and sleep. Poe just smiled sadly at Ben, wanting to help but not knowing how. So Poe let Ben go, offering his friendship at any time that Ben needed it, no matter when.

As Ben drove back home, the tears started falling, blurring his vision slightly. Even so, he pulled over with his flashers on, not wanting his impairment to be the reason why someone didn’t make it home that night. The thought made his tears fall faster, the wound his father’s death left still open and raw, not yet begun to heal. He sobbed onto his steering wheel, pain wracking his body with each haltered breath. He couldn’t remember when he last cried this much. Hell, he didn’t know if he had ever cried this much in the rest of his life combined. But that didn’t matter right now. He needed to get a hold of himself so he could safely make it home and pass out on the couch with Sunshine. He hadn’t slept in his bed since Rey left, knowing it would smell of her, and he didn’t want that to trigger another relapse. He wiped his tears and straightened in his seat, clearing his raw throat. He looked at himself in the rear-view mirror, noting his red, blotchy face from crying and the bags under his eyes from lack of restful sleep. He had to get his shit together. But it was so hard to do.

Ben shook his head, taking his flashers off and merged back into traffic, the urge to get home stronger than ever.

When he finally made it home, Ben dragged his feet getting out of his car and up to his front door. He was just so tired, mentally, physically, emotionally, just completely exhausted in all ways. But when he faced his front door, he saw an envelope stuck in the door with his name written on it. He would recognize that handwriting even if he was blind.

Rey.

He pulled the envelope from where it was stuck in the door and unlocked his apartment, going inside before he dared to open her letter. Would it be another one that broke his heart? Who knows. Hell, he wouldn’t blame her if it was. He was a wreck nowadays. All that progress, washed down the drain. He was a spiraling mess again, unsure of what was up and what was down, everything swirling around him in a dizzying dance. He opened the letter, reading over her words quickly, not wanting to linger over them and allow them to prick wounds into his heart.

**Ben,**

**I am so sorry for leaving you Tuesday morning. I should have said goodbye. That was my fault. I swear I won’t do it again. I will always be here for you, especially now during this time of struggle. I’m willing talk with you about what I noticed during our relationship, in regards to your depression and borderline, but I understand if you just want me out of your life. I’m just a phone call or a text away.**

**\- Rey**

She now wanted back into his life? Really? After all they’ve been through, after all they’ve put each other through, she wants to be in his life again? Ben shook his head, not believing this. He couldn’t keep doing this, letting her in just so she could leave with another chunk of his heart. He needed to end this. Right now. It what was for the best, anyways. He opened his messages on his phone, scrolling down to a conversation that hadn’t been opened in three months.

**Rey. Thank you for the letter, but right now, I just need to heal in peace. I’ll come back to you when I’m ready. I’ll still be in AA and therapy, and I won’t drink again, so don’t worry about me. Just please, as how you once told me not to message or call you, please respect that I can’t handle hearing from you right now. I’m sorry.**

He hit send, slipping his phone back into his pocket. Sunshine meowed up at him, intertwining her body between his legs. She was probably out of food, so Ben went over and filled up her dish, gently stroking her silky, jet-black fur. She was growing into a fine young cat, and Ben looked forward to spending at least the next decade with her. Hopefully BeeBee would get along with her.

No.

He shook his head. There was only a very slim, so tiny, chance that she would ever meet BeeBee. After everything he had been through with Rey, and after everything he had done to her, the chance of them getting back together again was so minuscule it was almost no chance at all. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out. Rey had texted him back.

**I understand, Ben. I won’t text or call unless you contact me first and tell me it’s okay. I wish you luck on your journey towards recovery. Be well and be safe.**

Ben shot off a quick “thank you” text before he shut his phone off completely. He didn’t want to talk with anyone tonight. If they truly needed to get a hold of him, they would come over. But he doubted anyone would need him that desperately. Most people were giving him the space he needed to heal, which he now hoped Rey would do the same. It was interesting, how the tables had turned between them. Before now, having Rey offer to be by his side would have seen him falling over himself to be with her. But now, it just hurt. It wasn’t what he needed right now. It wasn’t what she needed either. They needed their time apart if there was the ever be a future between them. 

He settled down onto the couch, lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Sunshine finished with her food, so she jumped up onto his stomach, circling around and kneading, before finally settling down to sleep, purring the whole time. Ben ran a hand through her fur, before letting his hand fall to his chest. It was past the time for bed, so he closed his eyes, letting Sunshine’s purrs lull him to sleep.

Across town, Rey sat on the floor of her bedroom, a hand over her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to stifle her heart wrenching sobs.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please note the new tags and the change in rating. That's all I'm going to say.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this new chapter of Drunk Me!

Three months went by.

The summer passed in a daze of heat and hard work. Ben did a lot of tough thinking in therapy, looking deep down in himself, realizing the root causes of his borderline, as well as how to treat and manage the symptoms. Alcoholics Anonymous was just as much work, Ben rejecting having a sponsor, yet still kept sober. 

The fall was waning, cooler days and evenings becoming even chillier. Late October was here, and in just a couple of weeks, Ben would be twenty-six. His mother had been begging him to do something fun for his birthday, but Ben declined. He didn’t want to celebrate being closer to thirty than he was twenty, not when he didn’t know how his future would end up. Despite Ben being a guy, he had always wanted a wife and family. He thought by now he would be helping Rey pick out the colors and flowers for their wedding, getting the save the date cards and sending them off to their small group of family and friends. 

But no. 

He was single. He had been on a couple of dates, but he just kept comparing them to Rey. He doubted he’d ever truly get over her, which is why he hadn’t texted her or called her yet. He didn’t want to find out she was with someone, someone better than him in every way. She deserved it, though. She deserved to be happy. And she wasn’t happy with him.

Sunshine meowed, breaking him out of his depressing daydream. That’s right, he had used the last of her food last night, and she was probably hungry by now, considering it was noon. He got up, grabbed his coat and slipped on his shoes. 

“I’ll be right back, honey. I’ll go get you some food and I’ll get some of the fancy canned food for you being such a good girl.” Ben scratched Sunshine’s head, listening to her purr start rumbling. She was such an easy cat to please, always purring at the slightest touch. He was so thankful she chose him and he adopted her that day. Taking care of something else, and having something so innocent and pure relying on him, really helped his recovery along. He had to take care of himself, so he could take care of her. 

The drive to the grocery store was a quick one, and Ben headed straight to the pet aisle, knowing exactly which foods Sunshine liked and didn’t like. He should probably get some litter too, as he was running a bit low on that as well. He put a bag of her favorite food in his basket, a couple cans of the wet food she got when she was extra good, and grabbed the thirty-pound container of litter in his other hand. He was heading out of the aisle and towards the checkout when he heard his name.

“Ben?”

That voice. He hadn’t heard in since his father’s viewing. He turned around.

“Rey?”

Her cart was full of groceries, which made sense, as she had always shopped for their groceries on Saturdays. The thought of what used to be picked at the almost healed wound in his heart. He had to get out of here. He couldn’t be around her, not yet. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to see how well she had moved on. There was no way she was still single. She was too beautiful and kind for that.

“I didn’t know you had a cat. When did you get one?” Her question was innocent enough, and she kept her distance from him, giving him the option to turn around and flee if he needed to. But . . . there wasn’t any harm in telling her about Sunshine, was there? He could find out how BeeBee was doing too.

“I had her when you spent the night. She probably hid because you were a new person, and I don’t typically have people over, so she was scared. I’ve had her for about six months now. How . . . How’s BeeBee doing?” He could see Rey visibly relax, the tension she held in her shoulders evaporating. But why was she tense in the first place? It wasn’t like she was nervous he was going to leave. She had moved on. They were just exes, after all. 

“BeeBee’s doing great. He’s just as round as ever. What’s your kitty’s name?”

Shit.

How was he going to tell her he named his cat after his nickname for her? Should he lie? Should he be honest? But if he’s honest, then it would make her think he wasn’t over her, which he totally was. Definitely. He was totally over her. He had been on dates with other women, so of course he was over her. But . . . 

“Sunshine.” Rey froze, but Ben continued. “Her name is Sunshine.”

Rey looked like she was about to cry. Why though? Surely she was over him like he was over her. It had been six months since the broke up, three since they last saw each other. She had to have moved on by now. Ben saw her swallow, before she smiled a half-hearted smile. Why was she acting like this, like she wasn’t over him?

“That’s . . . That’s a lovely name, Ben. I’m glad you’ve got Sunshine in your life.” She let out a half chuckle, half sigh, something sounding faintly of lost love. Why was she sounding like this? Ben just couldn’t understand. Either way, he had to get out of here.

“Well, she’s probably hungry, so I better go. It was nice seeing you, Rey.” He turned to leave, but her faint voice stopped him in his tracks.

“Ben, wait. Please.”

He hesitated. He should go home, go feed Sunshine. He shouldn’t be here, talking with Rey. The wound he had so tightly stitched together was slowly starting to open again. He needed to leave, he needed to escape. Panic slowly started rising in him, and he took a step towards the registers, needing to get out of this situation.

“Rey, I’m sorry. But I have to go.”

And with that, he rushed to check out, leaving her standing in the middle of the aisle. If he had turned around, he would have seen her tears start falling, her hand clasped over her mouth to stop herself from crying out. But he didn’t, instead focused on making sure his own tears didn’t start falling until he had made it safely to the privacy of his car.

He changed grocery stores the next time he needed to shop.

* * *

His birthday came and went, and soon enough, Christmas was a less than week away.

He had been on a couple more dates, and one woman had caught his eye. She was no Rey, no one would ever be able to replace her, but Kaydel was someone who Ben could see himself having a relationship with. If his heart ever got over Rey, that is. She was still his heart’s only focus, no matter how many times he told himself Rey was gone. If Ben, who never had any luck with the ladies, was able to land dates, he knew Rey was most likely in a loving relationship at this point. Which was why, when they ran into each other while doing some last minute Christmas shopping, Ben didn’t know how to react.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you! Are you okay?”

The familiar voice sounded above him from his place on the mall floor. Why oh why the person he had to literally run into was his ex? Rey hadn’t noticed it was him yet, her hands full of gifts to the point where they were obstructing her vision. But when she shifted her gifts to one arm to offer her hand to him, she paled as she took in the sight of him. 

“Ben?” Her voice was thick and strangled, as if he was the last person she was expecting to see here. “I . . . I’m so sorry. Here, let me help you up.” She kept her hand outstretched, not backing down on her offer to help him up.

He hesitated. Should he take her hand? Lord knows he could get up by himself. He was a big, strong man who could handle himself. But . . . 

“Thanks.” He took her bare hand in his gloved, helping her as she pulled him up off the ground. When he was standing, he stared at her, holding her hand longer than necessary for the help she provided. When he finally noticed he was still holding her hand, her face red and blushing, he immediately dropped it, looking away, his own face and ears tinting pink. “S-Sorry,” he stammered, the blush on both of their faces deepening.

“Ben?”

For once, he didn’t feel the need to run away when she said his name.

“Yeah?”

“Do you . . . Do you want to grab a cup of hot chocolate?” God, she remembered he didn’t like coffee.

“Sure. Do you have more shopping to do? Maybe . . . Maybe I can help you carry everything to your car? Before we get some hot chocolate?” Why was he agreeing to this? This was his ex, the one who broke his heart after he broke her. Was it possible they had a chance? He’d been sober for almost five months, he hasn’t spoken to her since July besides that one day at the grocery story,  and they’ve been broken up for almost a year. He’d still been going to AA and therapy, still on his medications, and he and everyone else around him thought he had been doing well. Maybe . . . maybe it was time they tried again.

So Ben helped carry everything to Rey’s car. Accidentally, they had parked one row away from each other, so after everything had been put into Rey’s trunk, Ben followed Rey to her favorite coffee shop. Well, it used to be their favorite coffee shop, but Ben stopped going when they broke up. He didn’t need any extra reminders of her. But this? This he could live with. They were just two people getting hot chocolate together on a cold December day. Were they friends? Ben didn’t know. Could he be friends with Rey? Fuck, he wanted more, so much more, than friends. But if that’s all that she wanted or all she was comfortable with, he would settle for friends. Anything to have Rey back in his life.

When they got to the coffee shop, they stood in line together, Rey in front of him. They stood in peaceful silence. It wasn’t awkward, or forced. It was comfortable, something he hadn’t felt when thinking of Rey in a long time. When it was Rey’s turn to order, she surprised him.

“Two hot chocolates, please. One milk chocolate, and the other half milk, half dark chocolate, both with whipped cream and extra chocolate chips. Thank you so much!”

“Rey, you didn’t have to get my hot chocolate for me,” he murmured in her ear as she paid, a happy buzz flowing through his body as she remembered exactly how he liked his hot chocolate.

“Oh nonsense, Ben. Your birthday was last month. Think of this as a belated birthday gift. It’s the least I can do.” She led him away from the register and towards what used to be their favorite seat, a couch in the back of the shop, tucked away from everywhere else. Right when they were about to sit down, the barista called out her name. Rey made the move to go pick up their drinks, but Ben stopped her.

“Let me be the gentleman and get our drinks. You just sit down.” Ben turned away and walked to to the pick up area, ears burning in embarrassment. He couldn’t believe he just said that. That was something he did when they were still dating. Hell, he still couldn’t believe he was here with Rey. 

No. He couldn’t overthink this. This was just a friendly meeting. Nothing more. 

He grabbed their drinks and made his way back to Rey. She stood up when he reached her, taking her drink from him, a bright smile on her face. His heart lurched. That smile. God it did things to him he hadn’t felt in a long time. But no, this wasn’t the time for it. He just needed to enjoy the moment, live in the present. He looked away from Rey’s smiling face, and his eyes caught something on the ceiling above them.

Shit.

Mistletoe.

He froze, his own smile slowly slipping from his face. Rey couldn’t see that. She would get so awkward and things would be ruined. How could he stop her from seeing it? His eyes darted everywhere, trying to find a solution. They could change seats? No, Rey would question that. Fuck, what could he do? He turned back to Rey, and his smile slipped further, as he noticed the smile that had once filled her face was slowly falling.

“Rey?” He followed her gaze to above their heads. Well, shit. She saw the innocent looking plant that was going to fuck everything up that happened today. “Rey, let’s just move. Let’s sit at a different spot today, okay?” He turned around, and started walking away, eyes searching for another seat for the two of them.

A small hand grabbed his.

He turned back around, looking at Rey in confusion. What was she doing? She couldn’t be thinking of . . . No. There was no way. They were exes, nothing more. Maybe they were on the right track to being friends again, but right now, they were just two people, who used to love each other, getting hot chocolate. Rey didn’t love him anymore, despite what the note in her book said. They had been broken up for far too long for those feelings to still be true. Then why . . . Why was she getting closer to him?

Rey took the drink from his hand, and placed it next to hers on the small table in front of the couch. She then returned to her spot in front of him, smiling faintly up at him. God, had she always been this small? 

It was over before he could blink.

Rey had surged up on tip-toe and kissed his lips quickly, sinking back down with a deep blush on her face. Ben felt his own face start burning, knowing he was turning just as red as she was. Why? Why did she do that? There was no way. There was no way she had just kissed him. He had to be imagining things. 

“Ben?” Her voice was quiet, unsure, as if she was afraid she had overstepped his boundaries. “Ben, I-”

He cut her off with a kiss.

God, he had missed this. He pulled away, only to be pulled back in as Rey touched his face gently, guiding him back into the kiss. The kiss was bittersweet, tasting of regret and lost love, but it held something more, a promise, a chance, a future. Could they be together again? He had done a ton of hard work, and he knew he still had a long way to go. So would Rey be willing to stick with him while he continued on his journey to recovery? Would they be able to grow together, into something more than what they were before?

The kiss ended, leaving them both breathless, even though it had been a chaste and innocent kiss. They stared at each other, Ben looking into her hazel-green eyes, flecked with bits of gold, searching for any sign she was regretting this. But he found none, just unabashed love shining up at him. How did he deserve this? He didn’t. He didn’t deserve any of this. He had hurt Rey so badly. He didn’t deserve her love. And yet here she was, looking up at him like he was the only thing in the world. Ben knew he was looking at her the exactly same way.

They both cleared their throats and stepped away from the other, putting some space between them. Rey peered up at him through her eyelashes, a pink blush still sitting on her cheeks, and she smiled. It was a smile Ben was blessed to see. It was her pure, unadulterated, completely blissful, contented smile, the one she wore whenever she was happy throughout every inch of her being. And he had helped put it there.

Ben Solo was fucked.

The feelings he had hidden deep down, the ones he had been denying himself this whole time since she knocked him down, started bubbling to the surface. He loved her. He had never stopped. And God, did he hope she hadn’t stopped either. Ben reached around her and picked up his drink, giving a shy smile to Rey.

“Do you want to talk in a place a bit more quiet?”

“Where do you have in mind?” Her voice was breathless, just barely over a whisper.

“My place?” His voice was just as quiet, not wanting to scare her off.

“Okay.” 

There was that smile again, the pure joy and happiness almost blinding. It filled his stomach with butterflies, as if he was seeing that smile for the first time. He turned around and started walking out of the coffee shop, waiting for Rey to catch up. He wasn’t expecting a small, bare hand to intertwine with his leather-gloved hand, but feeling her hand in his caused the butterflies to flutter into a wild dance, flying to the rapid beat of his heart. They held hands until they got to their cars, letting go only so they could drive to what used to be their apartment.

When they got there, Ben ushered her inside, as it had started to snow on their drive there. They stood in the doorway, kicking off boots and shrugging off coats, furtively sneaking glances at the other when they thought they weren’t looking. Yet every time, they managed to catch each other’s eyes, which resulted in them blushing and looking away, only to look again, dark brown meeting hazel, every single time.

They ended up on the couch, talking about everything and nothing, all at the same time. Their hot chocolate was finished quickly, so Ben brought over tea to keep them warm. Sunshine finally made an appearance and Rey was surprised she was a black cat, as the name Sunshine didn’t really fit a dark colored cat. As soon as Sunshine came out of hiding, she disappeared again, so Ben told Rey about AA, about the progress he was making there and in therapy. He was proud of himself of the little progress he had made, and was subconsciously trying to prove to Rey that he had changed, but he knew she was strong enough to not fall for it. But somehow, she still believed in him.

“Ben, I am so proud of you for doing all this hard work. You’ve really become a better person. I’m really happy to see your progress. You’ve done a great job.”

He looked away at her sincere words, not used to being praised for his progress. Even when Maz told him he was making headway in his recovery, he still didn’t know how to take it. He didn’t feel like he was making as much progress as everyone else seemed to think. He still had a long way to go. But, if Rey thought he had done hard work, plus the kiss they shared at the coffee shop, maybe they had a chance together?

Rey placed a gentle hand on his thigh, squeezing slightly, looking up at him with something he couldn’t determine in her eyes. It looked like love, want, desire, but Ben just couldn’t accept that she was still attracted to him. There was no way. They had been broken up for almost eleven months. She couldn’t still care about him. But . . .

A kiss stopped his overthinking.

God, if this was going to be the normal, he could get used to this. Her lips were soft against his, moving slightly. The kiss quickly turned deeper, much more than their kiss at the shop. Their tongues danced together, and Ben could feel himself getting hard, not used to such stimulation. Even though he had been on dates, none of them had progressed this far. He both hoped this would turn into something more and didn’t at the same time. If they went further, Ben didn’t know if he could handle it if she left again. But when Rey ran a hand up his chest to his cheek, that thought melted away. He wanted more. Now.

The kiss broke, and they pulled away from each other, breathing heavy. They stared at each other, eyes daring the other to make the first move. But Ben wasn’t going to move first. He didn’t want to push Rey further than she wanted, so he was letting her set the boundaries tonight. If all she wanted to do was make out, then he was fine with that. If she wanted to have full blown bdsm sex, well, he’d be surprised, but would oblige. He wanted her to take the reins tonight. 

“Ben,” her voice was husky, full of arousal. God, he had missed her.

“Yes?” his voice was equally aroused, as if the tent in his pants wasn’t enough evidence.

“Can . . . can we  . . .” She hesitated, something Rey had never done in the past, especially when asking for intimacy. She normally just came out and said what she wanted, what she was thinking, and she would let Ben decide if it was something he wanted to do or not. “Fuck it.” Ben barely caught her words before she was on his lap, straddling him, her lips on his again.

Ben was surprised yet pleased as she kissed him deeply, grinding down on his hardness. They both moaned into the kiss at the same time when she pressed herself against him, the old fire, that had been nothing more than an almost burnt out ember before tonight, flared up into a raging inferno. Their feelings for each other were explained through a mix of tongues and groans as they moved together. Damn, if they kept this up, Ben wouldn’t last long. He hadn’t had sex with anyone besides her, so it wasn’t that he was inexperienced, just that he hadn’t had relief, other than his hand, since she left. He broke the kiss to speak.

“Rey, I’m-”

She pecked his lips, an innocent kiss compared to how she was still grinding on his lap. “Do you want to take this to the bed?” Ben didn’t realize he could get harder than he already was.

“Yes, please.”

Having Rey slip off his lap, losing the friction she had been providing, made Ben groan again, both in frustration and anticipation. Was this really happening? Was he really about to have sex with his ex-girlfriend? He got off the couch and followed Rey into what used to be their bedroom, watching her pull off the sweater she had been wearing, her bra following closely behind. Ben took a sharp breath at the sight of smooth, tan skin, and he couldn’t help himself. He got behind Rey and placed his hands on her slim waist, feeling her warmth, as he ground his clothed length against her ass, letting her know he hadn’t forgotten why they came in here in the first place.

Rey turned in his hands, facing him now, and slipped her hands underneath his shirt, pushing it up, showing his pale six-pack and trail of hair leading to his member. Good God, this felt amazing. He knew what she wanted, and reluctantly let go of her to pull his shirt over his head, exposing his torso to her. When he let her go, she danced away, unbuttoning her jeans and pulling them off, tossing them onto the floor. She turned around, motioning “come here” with her finger, as she positioned herself on his bed. He couldn’t resist. He quickly rid himself of his own jeans, and all but pounced on her, his lips meeting hers in a passionate kiss. Now that he knew what she wanted, he was taking control. He would make her feel so much pleasure, she would have to come back.

No.

He halted his movements for a second, before kissing Rey at a much slower pace, calming things down just a little. He couldn’t think like that. This wasn’t her saying she was coming back. This was just two people, who used to love each other, coming together and reliving the good days. They would probably go their separate ways after this, and Ben would hurt, but it would be worth it, to spend one more night with Rey. The kiss built up its passion again as Ben ground his clothed length against Rey’s soaked underwear, feeling her moan against his lips. 

Ben broke the kiss to move down Rey’s neck, kissing and nipping gently as he made his way down her body. She brought a hand up to her mouth, biting down on her knuckle to prevent herself from making a sound, and Ben frowned. He couldn’t have that. He wanted to hear every single noise she made, wanting to store them in his memory when all he had to pleasure himself was his hand. He gently pulled her hand away from her mouth, looking at her with pupils blown wide.

“Rey, I want to hear you tonight. Don’t hold anything back.” With his last sentence, he started pulling down her underwear, tossing it onto the floor when it finally slipped off her long legs. His mouth continued its journey further south, kissing the insides of both of her thighs before he nuzzled into her folds, licking a long stripe through her, the tip of his tongue playing with her clit. He had missed the taste of her on his tongue.

Her gasp turned into a moan as he slipped one finger inside her, feeling just how wet she was. He added a second shortly after, stretching her open while he spelled their names on her clit. While his fingers were spreading her wide, his tongue journeyed from her clit to her opening, plunging deep inside her, joining his fingers in exploring her body. 

Rey let out the most beautiful moan Ben had ever heard. It swam through his head, echoing around him, sending chills down his spine. He crooked his fingers, rubbing against her sweet spot with both his fingers and tongue, massaging her to completion. Her insides squeezed his fingers as he pulled his tongue out, lapping at her clit to pleasure her through her orgasm. Her thighs clenched his head, keeping him from moving from his position, and one of her hands found its way into his hair, pulling slightly. He hummed at the feeling, the pain enhancing his pleasure. When he hummed, Rey gasped, and her legs trembled around his head, and she tumbled over the edge, moaning out his name.

“Oh God, Ben!”

When Rey’s orgasm subsided, her legs fell to the sides of his body and Ben slowly crawled up Rey’s body, kissing and nipping every inch of her soft skin. He slid off his boxers and gave his length a couple quick strokes, bringing it back to harder than he had ever been before. He needed to be inside her. Now. He lined himself up, about to slowly sink inside her when he realized.

Shit.

“Rey, I don’t have a condom.” He started pulling away, but Rey’s legs locked behind him, preventing him from moving.

“I’m on birth control. Shit Ben, just fuck me already!”

She didn’t need to ask twice.

He pressed inside, feeling her body slowly give way to him. God, she was tight. Ben realized, well, hoped, that it was because she hadn’t had sex since she was with him. Hell, even if she had, she was tight around him, squeezing him like a vice. He wasn’t going to last long in her warm, tight cavern, but he pushed away the thoughts of just exploding inside her right at that moment. He had to last. He had to make her cum at least one more time before he painted the inside of her with his essence.

“Fuck, Rey. You’re so tight.” Ben groaned as he started moving, slowly at first, still trying to stave off his own orgasm, before he picked up speed, plunging in and out of her body. If he died tomorrow, this would be the perfect ending to his life, having sex with the only girl he’s ever loved. He could feel his eyes tearing up, and he blinked them away, not wanting to cry during sex with Rey.

“Ben, you feel so good.” Her words were cut off with a loud moan as he hit her sweet spot.

Ben grabbed her hips with his hands, pulling her to him with every thrust into her body. They hadn’t had this passionate of sex since their first year of dating, when everything was still new. But now, this felt like two different people than back then. Hell, this was two different people than the last time they had sex. This was a Ben and a Rey who fit together like puzzle pieces, who worked with each other to help the other learn and grow. Rey broke him out of his thoughts by running her fingers through his hair, tugging gently, and Ben lost it.

He growled, setting an ever faster pace. This wasn’t loving sex anymore. This was brutal fucking, raw passion taking over them. Rey pulled him down to kiss her, and from his bent position, she felt all that much tighter. He had to make her cum quickly, so he reached in between them, circling her clit with his thumb, letting his hurried thrusts press his thumb against her, building her pleasure.

Rey broke the kiss to let out a silent moan, her mouth gaping and head thrown back, face an image of pure ecstasy. Fuck that was hot. When the wave of pleasure passed over her, orgasm still building, she stared back at Ben, her hazel eyes taken over by the black of her pupil. Thumb still rubbing her clit, Rey let out another moan, this one loud and lewd, full of hunger and want for release. Ben could feel her legs trembling around his waist, and she was starting to clench around his girth, so he knew she was close.

“Come for me, Rey. Let loose and come.” Rey cried out in pleasure, her second orgasm washing over her. She squeezed his length tight, and Ben could feel himself start to lose it. But he couldn’t. He had to fuck her through her orgasm. She loved being overstimulated like that, so he kept going, trying to hold back his flood. But when Rey pulled him down so she could whisper in his ear, he lost it at her words.

“Come for me. Now.” With her last word, she bit his shoulder, sucking hard enough to leave a hickey.

Ben lost it.

He let his orgasm rush through him, and he exploded, filling Rey to the brim. His orgasm triggered one final one in Rey, and she clenched around him, milking him dry. Their lips met in a frenzied kiss, trying to prolong their pleasure as he finished pumping everything he had into her. He could feel some of his cum leaking out around him as he came down from his high, and he slowly pulled out of Rey, still very sensitive. He bent over the edge of the bed and grabbed Rey’s underwear off the floor, handing them to her. She loved the feeling of his cum leaking out of her after they had sex, so he compromised with her by having her wear her underwear, so she didn’t get anything on their bed.

Fuck.

Ben got off the bed and walked to the bathroom, getting some tissues to clean himself off. He thought of it as  _ their _ bed, not just his. That wasn’t the case anymore. They weren’t together. Tonight didn’t change that. Just because they had sex didn’t mean they were suddenly boyfriend and girlfriend again. People had one night stands all the time. This was just one between exes, that’s all.

He grabbed his boxers off the floor and rejoined Rey on  _ his _ bed, he reminded himself, spooning her and holding her close. She traced lazy circles on the hand that lay across her stomach, and Ben felt his heart clench. This was just too much like when they were together. Should he ask her to leave? The thought made his heart ache worse. No, he wouldn’t do that. He would see what she would do in the morning. If she left before he woke, then he’d have his answer. But if she was still here, then they might have a chance. But for right now, Ben was exhausted, and he could tell Rey was as well, as her circling was slowing down and her breaths were getting deeper. He pulled the covers up over them, pressing himself closer to Rey, and kissed her neck, whispering in her ear.

“Goodnight, my Rey of Sunshine.”

She snuggled down next to him, sighing happily, and promptly fell asleep. Ben watched her sleep for a little while, but before too long, his own eyes started drooping and the exhaustion from today’s whirlwind of emotions caught up to him. So he laid his head next to Rey’s, breathing in her sweet scent, and fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, she was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you have tokophobia, you should avoid this chapter and probably the rest of the fic, unfortunately :( I just don't want anyone getting triggered by my fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [MyJediLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife) for beta-ing this chapter! 
> 
> I know it's shorter than the other ones, and like, a month after the last chapter, but my own depression got severely worse and I ended up in a partial hospitalization program. I'm now in an intensive outpatient program at the hospital, and will be for another couple of weeks, but I'm getting back into writing to try to combat the depression. Many thanks again, to MyJediLife for being an amazing friend and helping me through this troubling time.

He didn’t hear from Rey for another month and a half. After he discovered she had left in the morning, his heart was broken, but he didn’t let that stop him. He kept going to AA and therapy, though his first therapy session after she left was him breaking down and Maz sitting patiently while he worked the pain out of his system. He took Cassian up on his offer of being his sponsor, and he worked hard at rejecting his urges and changing them into something productive. Despite the pain he felt when she left for the umpteenth time, he didn’t drink. Hell, he didn’t even think of it. He honestly didn’t feel anything but numb.

So when she texted him out of the blue on a Friday at the end of January, he was confused.

**Ben, we need to talk**

That was it. That was the only thing she texted to him. He didn’t know how to respond to that. He couldn’t keep letting her into his life, only to have her waltz away with another piece of his heart. But some part of him craved the pain. It was one way he could punish himself for what he did to her over the almost four years they were together, now that he didn’t drink. He brought the text up to both Maz and Cassian, wanting their thoughts on the matter.

Maz wanted to know what he thought would come of it if he spoke with her. She said he kept putting himself out there, only to be shot down. She believed it would be better for his mental health if he blocked Rey’s number, which Ben didn’t know if he had the strength to do. He still loved her, desperately, and wanted her back, no matter how many times she left him. Cassian pretty much said the same thing, only he equated Rey to drinking. He told Ben that drinking was a destructive habit, one that would ruin him if he kept turning back to it. He said the same applied to Rey. Cassian knew what Ben had been diagnosed with, and he knew it had been equally hard on Rey to endure it and to leave him, but at this point, it was just unhealthy. She couldn’t keep walking into Ben’s life only to walk away shortly after.

So Ben did what he had to do.

His finger lingered over Rey’s contact, fully prepared to block her number. But . . . He should at least hear what she had to say, before he cut her out of his life. Maybe it was important? Maybe she needed him, for some unknown reason? So, Ben just typed out a simple text, responding to her three day old message.

**Okay. Where and when?**

Her reply was almost instantaneous.

**My place, Saturday, at noon. I’ll text you the address on Friday. Thank you, Ben**

After that was silence for the rest of the week, the only text between them was an address Rey sent on her Friday lunch break. Saturday rolled around all too soon, and Ben found himself moving slower than normal when Rey was involved. It was like his body knew this was a bad idea, but his heart said go for it. Which one was he supposed to follow? His mind or his heart? Either way, he got in his car and drove across town, stopping in a quaint apartment complex. He checked the address again.  _ ‘Apartment twenty-two. Where are you, twenty-two?’ _

He knocked on the door to the single story apartment, praying he had the right one. The numbers were worn, but they looked like two two’s, so Ben figured he was in the right place. The door opened, showing Rey’s face. But something was off. She was skinnier, and her tan skin had a pallor to it that Ben had never seen before. Was she sick? What was wrong? Was this what she wanted to talk about?

“Thank you for coming, Ben. Please, come in.” She opened the door wider, to allow him to enter her small apartment, and he walked in, taking in the place. It was small, much smaller than his place, but it was very Rey. Plants covered every flat surface, and some even hung in the air in baskets. The whole place felt like Rey’s own sanctuary, a place where he didn’t know if he was welcome or not. “Please, make yourself at home. I’m going to make us some tea. Is that okay?”

Ben just nodded, sitting down on the loveseat in her living room. BeeBee came out of hiding and hopped up onto the couch beside him, and Ben let him sniff his fingers, letting him be the judge if Ben was worthy of giving him head scratches. BeeBee deemed him worthy, so Ben gently rubbed his head, stroking his fur. Sunshine was going to kill him for smelling like another cat, but she would have to live with it.

A ceramic mug shattered on the floor.

“Rey?!” Ben jumped up, and hurried over to the kitchen where Rey was. She was breathing heavily, and her skin looked even more pale, if that was possible. She was bracing herself over the sink, looking completely miserable. Ben didn’t know how to help.

“Rey? Let’s get you sitting down. I’ll fix the tea, okay?” Ben tried guiding her to the couch, but she resisted.

“Ben, let go of me.” He didn’t let go.

“Ben, I swear to God, let go of me now, unless you want to be covered in vomit.” He immediately let go and Rey ran to the bathroom, retching into the toilet, throwing up what looked like nothing but bile, as if she had been throwing up for a while now. 

“Rey? Are you okay? Are you sick? Do you need me to take you to a doctor?” He was fully prepared to take her to see someone. He didn’t know why she looked like this. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t his Rey. Something was wrong.

She spit into the toilet, flushing it then going to the sink and washing her hands before she brushed her teeth with just the tiniest bit of toothpaste, as if she didn’t want to upset her stomach further by assaulting it with minty freshness. When she was done, she came back out into the living room and sat down on the loveseat, sinking into the cushion. 

“I’m going into the doctor’s Monday for an IV of fluids, thought I might need to go today if this keeps up.”

“Rey, what is this? What’s going on?”

“Hyperemesis gravidarum. That’s what I’m dealing with at the moment.” She sighed, before she got up and retrieved some photos from her purse. She kept them hidden from Ben, but he had a feeling she would tell him sooner or later what this was all about.

“Hypere- what? Can you tell it to me in not doctor terms?” Ben was getting a little frustrated. It was clear Rey needed to see a doctor as soon as possible, but she seemed too stubborn to want to do anything about it. He hoped his presence would encourage her to get some help.

“Not doctor terms. Okay.” She nodded, before turning to look at Ben. “Close your eyes and hold out your hands. Do not peak or look until I tell you to, okay?

Ben just nodded, his eyes closing as he put his hands out in front of him. He could feel Rey carefully arrange the photographs in his hands, as if making sure they were in a certain order. He heard her sigh, and his concern spiked. What in the world had Rey so sick and so worried?

“Hyperemesis gravidarum is the ‘doctor term’ for severe morning sickness.”

Ben’s eyes popped open unintentionally, looking at Rey in shock. Morning sickness? She was . . .

Rey didn’t look at him, staring off in the other direction, purposefully not making eye contact with him. So, Ben looked down at the photographs in his hands. No. They weren’t photographs. They were grainy, black and white ultrasounds. Ben traced the images with a gentle finger, as if he was touching his child directly, not wanting to harm anything. The ultrasounds did show a progression, though two caught his eye. The one on the left showed one “bubble,” where the next one to the right showed two, and the following two ultrasounds both showed two of the “bubbles,” each one holding a tiny, curled up, embryo.

Fuck.

“Rey?”

She didn’t respond. She just stood there, avoiding his eyes. Ben couldn’t have that. He needed her to look at him. He needed to comfort her, tell her it was going to be okay. He stood up and approached Rey, opening his arms to hug her. But, like she had done the same for him in the past, he stopped right before he embraced her, letting her make the call if she wanted to be hugged. He was fully expecting her to push him away, to deny his hug, to kick him out of her apartment and her life. So when she all but collapsed into his open arms, sobbing, Ben was surprised for a moment. But he quickly composed himself, wrapping his arms tight around Rey, being a solid comfort for her. 

“Ben,” his name broke through her sobs. “Ben, I’m so sorry.”

He just held her tighter, leading her towards her couch, settling them both down. Rey just kept crying onto his shoulder, soaking his shirt with her tears. Why was she sorry? She had nothing to be sorry for. Hell, if anything, he should be the one sorry. He was the one who got her pregnant. It wasn’t her fault her birth control failed. Fuck, he could feel his eyes starting to tear up. Was he ready to be a dad? To twins? Would Rey even want to have the babies, and raise them with him? What would they do? What would they tell their friends and family? Poe was going to be pissed. No. Now wasn’t the right time to think of this. Right now, he had a more important job to do.

“Rey, it’s not your fault. Please don’t be sorry.” He laid his cheek on top of her head, where it rested on his shoulder. He could do this.  _ They _ could do this. Ben gently rubbed Rey’s back, listening to her heart wrenching sobs slowly die down into an occasional hiccup. After she stopped crying, they just held each other close, taking comfort in not being alone. It was several minutes before the silence between them was broken.

“What are we gonna do?” Rey’s voice was small, quiet, afraid. Ben hated hearing her voice like that. He would do anything to change that tone into one of happy peacefulness.

“Rey, we are going to do whatever you want to do. If you want to have the babies, I will be with you every step of the way. If you don’t want to have them, I will hold your hand and keep you safe as long as you want me by your side. I am here to support you. I know this would change both our lives, but it changes yours more by changing your body and everything you’ve ever known. If you aren’t ready for that change, or don’t want it with me, or don’t want it period, I will support you. But if you want that change, then I will gladly become a father and parent our twins with you.” He finished his words with a soft kiss on the crown of her head, hoping more than anything she wanted to keep their children.

A few tears splashed down onto his shirt, and he pulled Rey in closer, not wanting her to cry again. But her tears stopped just as quickly as they started, and she looked up at Ben, face red and blotchy. She slowly shifted so she could kiss Ben, but stopped, right before their lips touched, making sure he wanted this. They shared the same air for a split second before Ben gently pressed his lips to hers, trying to convey all his love through that single kiss. A tear slipped down both their cheeks and they pulled apart, staring at each other. Rey touched his face gently, wiping away the tear that lingered on his cheekbone, and Ben did the same for Rey, and they held their hands on the other’s faces, not wanting to lose the contact. 

The moment was broken by BeeBee hopping up onto Rey’s lap, meowing loudly, pawing at Ben’s hand where it was cupping Rey’s cheek. Rey let out a small chuckle, petting the cat gently, head going back to resting on Ben’s shoulder. 

“I’d . . .” She hesitated. “Ben, I . . .” She tried again, but couldn’t speak. Ben wasn’t sure if it was she didn’t know what words to say, or she didn’t want to say the words on her mind. 

“Rey, it’s okay. Everything will be okay. Are you sure you don’t need to go to the doctor sooner than Monday? I don’t want you getting more sick than you already are.” Ben really hated seeing her like this. He hoped, if she kept the babies and stayed with him, that he would be able to help her feel better. He would do anything to help.

“Ben, I’ll be okay. I promise. If I feel worse, I’ll go to the hospital tomorrow. Just . . .” She trailed off.

“Yeah?”

“Can you just hold me close? Please? I’ve been so worried. I didn’t know what to do. I was sure you hated me for leaving, but I had to. I was scared. I was so scared of how I felt for you, and how I thought you didn’t love me anymore and that was just a one night stand. So I had to leave, to protect myself from rejection and to protect you from feeling like you were obligated to be with me because we had sex. But, now I know you genuinely care, at least a little, because you’re here today.”

“God, Rey.” Ben pulled her in close, holding her like he was afraid she was going to turn into a wisp of smoke, leaving him alone again. “Rey, I have never stopped loving you. Not once. You told me that I couldn’t change for you, and so I changed for myself. But even in focusing on myself and my own behaviors, I couldn’t forget the love I felt for you. Every time you left, it broke me a little more, but I couldn’t blame you. I thought you didn’t care for me anymore and were protecting yourself from the pain my actions would bring. When you left the last time, I knew it really was nothing more than a one night stand. It stung and hurt, but I accepted it. Before anything happened, I told myself I would accept anything and everything we did that night as a one time thing, because I knew you didn’t love me anymore.”

Rey let out a choked noise at his last sentence. She turned in his arms to face him, eyes brimming with tears.

“Ben, I have always loved you. Leaving my note and my ring was the hardest thing I had ever done. But I had to do it. Otherwise, if I had stayed with you, we would have both spiraled into destruction. I never stopped loving you. I still love you. Benjamin Organa Solo, I love you.”

Ben’s heart skipped a beat at her confession. How was this possible? How could she still love him, after everything they put each other through? He looked into her eyes, seeing nothing but the truth swimming in her tear-filled eyes. Could they really make this work? Could they be together again? Ben hoped with every fiber of his being that they could.

“Rey, I love you. So very much. I know we’ve got some time before any decisions have to be made, but . . .” He trailed off, not wanting his words to influence her decision. He desperately wanted her to keep the twins. Was he perfect parent material? Most likely not. But damn, those kids wouldn’t want for anything. And neither would Rey.

“But what are you leaning towards? Do you want to keep them or do you want an. . .” Ben couldn’t bring himself to say the “A” word. “No matter what you decide, I’ll support you. I just want to know what to plan on.”

Rey looked away from him and Ben’s heart sank. But when her fingers intertwined with his, a small flame of hope ignited. 

“If you didn’t respond, or wouldn’t meet me and talk, I would be unable to take care of two children on my own. So, I would have gotten an abortion.” Ben tried not to flinch at the word. It wasn’t that he was against them, he just couldn’t imagine not knowing he was potentially going to be a father. “But you did respond, you’re here now, and we’ve confessed our love to each other,” she let out a small chuckle at that, looking up at him, “so I want to keep them. I want to have a family with you, Ben. If you want all three of us in your life, that is.” 

Her free hand softly caressed her lower stomach, as if imagining how her now flat abdomen would blossom and bloom as the life within her grew. She looked so peaceful, her eyes gently closed, a small smile on her face. Ben didn’t know how it was possible to love someone as much as he loved Rey. Of course he wanted all three of them in his life. His life wouldn’t be complete without them. So, he reached over and tenderly rested his hand on hers, trying to convey all of his love for her and their two children through both sets of joined hands.

“Rey, I want nothing more than a family with you.”

A single tear slipped down Rey’s face from her closed eyes, and her smile grew. That smile. That pure, unadulterated, happy smile. God, did it do things to him. He ran his hand from her stomach up to her face, cupping her cheek. Rey turned to him and slowly opened her eyes, looking at him with love shining in her hazel-green eyes. Her gaze filled him with warmth, happiness, love, peace, and most importantly, hope. Hope for them. Hope for their budding family. And hope for the future.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! I know it's going to be a tough read, but please stick with me until the end. Feel free to comment, kudos, or come into my ask box and yell at me on [Tumblr](http://riverspirit86.tumblr.com/).


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